04-12-2001 - 22:27
aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh! some days, things happen and i just feel like screaming.
today, i had to drive my dad to the doctor's...he complained about my driving the whole way there. on the way back he complained about the music i was lisening to...the man is half deaf and could't hear it at the level it was at. he was complaining just to be pissy.
then, my little sister came home for the afternoon to help clean the house up. (since her fiance's mom is having her x-mas party here friday and her fiance's graduation party this saturday). things from there went from bad to worse. first, she "cleaned the house" by hiding things out of sight. i then cleaned what she cleaned, and got yelled at for wasting my time. then, she proceeded to get mad at me and yell loud enough for the next state to hear. and then the bad part...she was about to hit me, and i put my arms up to block it, and then she just pushed me. (being that i'm not allowed to injure her in any way, i can't really defend myself properly.) therefore, i am currently slightly injured. i fell backwards on a pile of her junk that was conviently placed in the hallway. now i have a weird bruise on my back and my left arm in slightly numb. i then got yelled at by my dad for not cleaning while i put ice on my back, and was told that i deserved everything i got because i never do anything. i have been told that i will never get a job because no one would want to hire me, that i can't do anything, and that i never should have bothered going to college since i'm never going to get a job that would need them, and that mcdonalds is hiring...and that they probably wouldn't even want me.
and even more fun is the fact that my mom tells everyone she knows that i never do anything, and that she does everything here. so, now everyone thinks she's a saint, and that i'm nothing more than parasite feeding on the generosity of my parents. what the bloody hell do these people need to know what i do or do not do to help out around here?!? which, by the way, i do my share work here.
i've noticed that i'm starting to lose things. i'm losing my self-esteem, which used to be great. i'm losing my confidence, which used to be fairly strong. and i'm losing my faith. i used to have enough faith in myself, that i always knew everything would work out. always.
i am not going to let my family do this to me. i'm not going to let them convince me that i'm a pathetic nobody.
this all leads to me master plan...
someday i am going to have a great job, and live with a great guy. i will be happy. i will be confident. everything will work out. then i'll laugh in their faces...
some people may say that this is not a good reason to be happy...to get back at others...but hey, i just like to think of it as an extra bonus in the future.
"i'm in over my head. they wanna try to build me up so they can tear me down. i wish that i could be back there, but i'm writing here right now. they've taken everything that i've had to give, and they say it's over but man i'm still here livin'. i don't know what to do, i think that maybe i'm in over my head. stuck in the red. something they said, makes me think that i'm in over my head." -lit