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18-05-2002 - 01:51

things have to turn around soon. i have to get out of here.

well, let's see. right now i feel like i'm about to cry. why might you ask? well, i'll tell you. i had been vaguely seeing this guy who i knew was not good/right for me, but i had started to really fall for him. well, turns out that this guy really does not care for me like he pretended...and now things are over.

as if my life was not completely sucking already, it has now gotten worse.

i am wondering the following:

how could i start to fall for someone i didn't even really know?

how could i have not realized that he didn't really care. i should have realized something when he never asked me to do things with his friends?

why does this bother me so much if i half expected it to happen this way?

why would i half think things could work out?

anyways, i guess i'll just be unhappy. i'll never date again, and just be unhappy.

it's just really difficult to have a guy come over at 3 in the morning and watch bad television shows till 7 or 8 in the morning, say that they'll call later that day, and then have all of this happen. in less than 24 hours.

i hate weekends. bad things keep happening on the weekends lately.

the bad thing is that all i want is for him to call me back. if he were to call me back tonight, i would drive out there now just to be with him...but i already know that that's not going to happen.

hmmm...what else...

well, my family has almostly completely killed my self-esteem. maybe that's why i've been so weird and unhappy lately. my mother has let me know that good looking guys would not be interested in me. also that doctors or med-students at my work would never be interested in me either. lots of support there.

"i want to hold the hand inside you. i want to take a breath that's true. i look to you and i see nothing. i look to you to see the truth. you live your life, you go in shadows. you'll come apart and you'll go black. some kind of night into your darkness, colors your eyes with what's not there. fade into you. strange you never knew. fade into you. i think it's strange you never knew..." -mazzy star



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