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05-09-2002 - 04:04

hmmm...i made caramel flan tonight. i hope it comes out properly. it's cooling right now on the living room floor since i could not locate any trivets. soon i must cover it and then put it in the fridge.

well, i was stuck in the dock area once again today...for 8 hours. same as yesterday. good thing it's over and i don't have to sit in there anymore. it's the most boring assignment ever. well, one good thing was that i got to think a lot while in there. i was thinking about how ryan and i will have the greatest apartment known to man. perhaps it will be a bit like will and grace...but with less whining. we will have more stemware than most local bars. we will drink wine all the time. we will throw "breakfast at tiffany's" style parties. i will eventually get and grow a shiraz/syrah grape vine in my bathroom. if only we didn't have to wait until the end of november. grrr...

i've also decided that i'd like to date a guy who would be willing to take swing dancing and/or tango lessons with me. i think that would be fun.

once again on the ryan as a roommate speil...the great thing is that my annoying multiple alarms set up won't bother him. i have a bad habit of setting multiple alarms...and hitting the snooze button on them for approximately an hour. every night i set my sterio alarm and my regular alarm clock. in the morning, my sterio alarm goes off (my pre-alarm) and i usually wake up to the familiar "click" just before the music starts. i can usually turn it off before the music actually starts. then i go back to mostly sleep as opposed to deep sleep. then about 5 to 20 min later, my regular alarm goes off. (which oddly i will never set on the hour or the half hour....or really any min with a 5 or a 0 in it...o.c.d? ummm...perhaps) then i hit the snooze. being that my reg. alarm has two alarm settings, i usually set both to the same time. about 15 min later it goes off again...and i awaken a little further. snooze. repeat...for about an hour. then i finally turn it off for good and finally get out of bed. this waking up ritual tends to bother people i live with...but with ryan, he'll be at work when i wake up, so all is well.

what else...hmmm...i must remember to bring matt's book to work tomorrow/today. i guess he's decided to keep working at the hospital. it was really an odd book. decent, but odd. something else odd is that i found out this guy kurt (works at the hospital as well) used to do motorcross (did i spell that correctly?). this intrests me. i wonder if i could learn that too. it just seems like it would be fun. there's also a guy (also valet) named brian who i must remember to talk to the next time i see him. there were some girls who were checking him out and they told me that i must tell him that they thought he was hot and something to the effect that they hope if them come back to the ER for any reason, that he's there. i'm sure he'll get a kick out of that.

hmmm...i was informed today that my wearing of rhinestone necklaces all the time is now trendy and gwen steffani-ish. when did i become trendy? also...about 2 years ago when i was dating tim, i'd wear ties sometimes...kinda punk-ish. now that's becoming trendy. i'm just waiting for the day when girls start wearing skirts/dresses over pants. when that happens, it will be noted that i've been doing that for sometime. i sometimes get teased for the way i dress...then a few years later more people dress like that and i'm suddenly normal. weird. if i could only get the timing better on styles, i could start my own fashion empire (don't worry ryan...i'm not moving in on your territory) and make billions. oh well.

i'm watching the "new" weezer video right now. the lead singer is really amazingly cute. i love guys with buddy holly glasses. i love guys in suits. i love guys with dark hair. i love guys in decent bands. yes...he better hope i never get stuck next to him in an elevator by ourselves...i'd have to jump him right then and there. sister's wedding was to have taken place in only a week and a half or so. i'd trying to decide if i should get my brides maid dress fitted. i think i should. i think i should get it fitted and perhaps get ryan to go out to dinner with me and celebrate our soon to be new roomatedom. i really do like the dress...and my sister won't be needing me to wear it any time soon. maybe i'll check into that on friday.

oh, and i've decided that i'm done being single. i really miss shaun, but i guess it's finally starting to sink in that he's not going to show up at my car in my work parking lot some night asking how i've been. all i know is that i didn't get over kyle until i started dating tim...and i didn't get over tim completely until i started hanging out with, in theory...i'll be able to get over shaun if i find someone else. i also know that my birthday is coming up...and as history has proven, i must be single on my birthday...and something must happen to make me cry on my birthday. grrrr...anyways...maybe i can change things. maybe i can beat fate...destiny...what ever it is that keeps things going on the same loop. all i can say is escape velocity. i am so close to reaching it. i can feel the momentum building up. soon i will be flung into real life once again...and this time i can only hope that i won't be sucked into the gravitational pull of some near satelite (likely spelled wrong) and eventually fall back to where i started from.

bah. all i know is that i must make a good attempt to keep my sanity while i'm still here. i've actually been avoiding my mother when no one else is around. i don't know how many more conversations i can handle about me currently being single. the other day my mother was talking about a girl she works with who joined a church group to pick up guys. i stated that i'd probably not fit in well in that type of situation and i'll leave the church groups to religious people who are trying to pick people up. my mother then said something to the effect of how i like being single and not having relationships, but that not everyone is like me. most people want to get married and have kids. well, she's right about the married and kids part, but i do not like being single. i think that it's been ground into my mind that single means alone...and that alone is not something to be desired. i have people telling me that i should have no problem finding guys who'd love to date me. well, if this is true, i must be doing something wrong then. i'm not unhappy being single...i'm just not as happy as i think i could be...if that makes any sense. and, normally this would not bother me, but my parents seem to be forcing me to think about this more and more. bah.

(moment of self pity). i still wonder when anything i do will be good enough for my parents. i'm on a venting roll here...i wonder when i'll have a job that would be good enough for them to be happy with...and be able to tell their friends about. i wonder when the way i look will fit into their idea of how i should. i wonder when i'll date someone they think is "good enough". i wonder when i'll be "grown up" enough for them. i wonder when i'll be what they want. but then i also wonder if any of that is what i want. i am happy being me...but sometimes i just wonder what things would be like if i was what they wanted. if i fit in. if i dressed "normal". if i dated guys who looked good, and had money. if i could get guys to buy me expensive rings like they do for my sister (and then my mother has something to brag about to her friends). if i had a job that made tons of money and required me to go to work in a dress suit. thinking of this now...i don't want it. i don't want any of it. the odd thing is that i just came to this strong conclusion right i'm typing.

(sudden happiness and assurance hits me like a speeding semi slamming into a brick wall). this is really weird. in the coarse (likely spelled wrong) of this entry, i've discovered that i really can make it a few more months here. the funny thing is that i go through this every once and a while, and i always come to the same conclusion. and this will get me through the next few months. so, it is proven that venting is good.

now it's time for me to sleep. and everything will turn out all right.

"she fucking hates fucking hates la la love...i tried too hard and she tore my feelings like i had none...and ripped them away...that's my story, as you see. learned my lesson, and so did she. now it's over, and i'm glad...'cause i'm a fool for all i've said..." -puddle of mud

this song has been stuck in my head all day/night. it was the first thing i heard on the radio on my way to work...



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