12-09-2002 - 03:33
well, today was hectic at work. non-stop calls. standbys, restraints, everything. anyways, i got starbucks for free.
this friday is on the 13th.
things i've been thinking about...i'd like to see a recent photo of jack. i'd like to hang out in a diner with will in ny drinking coffee and eatting strawberry shortcake chatting about odd stuff all night. i'd like to travel. i wonder when i'm finally going to get around to changing the belts in my car. what am i going to do tomorrow night after i get out of work?
food/beverage items that must always be at my new apartment. whole milk (even though ryan doesn't drink it), lychee fruit, tea (every kind imaginable), coffee, wine, and ummm...chocolate.
well, it's been awhile, but i still have a thing for shaun. it makes me angry to know that if he called me right now and wanted to talk, that i'd hop in my car and drive out there with out hesitation. i keep thinking about things like when he knew i'd had a bad day and left a rose on the windshield of my car the next day. or when on the year anniversary of stevens death when i just lost it at the bar, and walked out into the rain so i could cry without everyone watching me...and then shaun came out in the rain after me and hugged me while i was sobbing in the doorway of a closed shop. i think of on the 4th of july when shaun came over uber late at night and we sat out under the stars talking for hours. i think of when we walked out by the dam in ann arbor and sat talking at the water's edge and his hat almost blew off into the water. of him making us coffee in the morning (afternoon to be exact) while i was in the shower. of when i forgot my i.d. badge at his place and didn't realize it until i got to work...and he picked it up and brought it to the hospital and wandered around for a half hour looking for me. of cooking together. of me puking into sara and jackie's lawn while shaun was holding my hair back. of me taking care of shaun the night/day after langle's birthday when he drank too much and was ill. of when i first "met" him and we struck up a conversation about radiohead. of holding hands (as cheesy as that is) and shopping in ann arbor on state street. of when after joy's party in ypsi, the two of us eatting berries off of a tree near his car. of curling up on the hammock together. of watching movies in his room all night. i miss the smell of his hair gel that smelled like candy. i miss watching him pick out the clothes he's going to wear. i miss waiting in the parking lot of his work waiting for him to get out...and then him walking over to my car and kissing me through the window. why can't i get over him? why is it i can't move past this unrealistic thought that maybe i can get him back. to be perfectly honest, i have this thought that when ryan and i move in together, there'll be a time when we're hanging out with cory and heidi (which i do hope happens often), and we'll run into shaun...and that things will just kind of pick up where they left off. it's just so strange. i talked to him on one day. he didn't know his new number yet, and said that he'd call my work the next day and leave it. he also mentioned that maybe he'd have to take the coming up tuesday off work since i had it off and then we could do something. this is what confuses me the most. do you just end things with someone like that? it's frustrating. usually when you don't want to see someone anymore, you end things. you tell them. you don't make plans for the next day and for a few days later. grrrr....i miss him. what's even worse is that sometimes i have dreams that i'm sleeping and wake up at his place and he's there. and why am i ranting about all of this? i'm not sure. just for some odd reason i ran with the topic.
cheering up and moving on...
after work tomorrow/today...i'll actually have 4 days off. i'm not even sure what to do with that many days off. i'll have to find plans for all 4. i'll have to pack more than just the box filled with my action figures. maybe i'll hit up a garage sale or something and then hang out with ryan. i hope he doesn't get sick of me before we even move in together. i'll have to spray paint my new wine rack. maybe fix my car.
anyways...i may have used this one before, but...
"i still recall the taste of your tears. echoing your voice just like the ringing in my ears. my favorite dreams of you still wash ashore. scraping through my head 'till i don't want to sleep...anymore. you make this all go away. you make this all go away. i'm down to just one thing, and i'm starting to scare myself. you make this all go away. you make this all go away. i just want something...i just want something...i can never have. you always were the one to show me how. back then i couldn't do the things that i can do now. this thing is slowly taking me apart. grey would be the colour...if i had a heart. come on tell me. you make this all go away. you make this all go away. i'm down to just one thing, and i'm starting to scare myself. you make this all go away. you make this all go away. i just want something...i just want something...i can never have. in this place it seems like such a shame. though it all looks different now, i know it's still the same. everywhere i look you're all i see. just a fading fucking reminder of who i used to be. come on tell me. you make this all go away. you make this all go away. i'm down to just one thing and i'm starting to scare myself. you make this all go away. you make it all go away. i just want something. i just want something i can never have. i just want something i can never have." -nin
...and, tomorrow is always another day.