25-02-2003 - 04:04
today is kind of strange for today...
welcome to my life:
the other day i found out that my grandmother has lung and bone cancer. she might live for months, or maybe even years. unknown. i hate the uknown. when i found out that night after work, i think i must have cried for 3 hours straight. i couldn't even breathe. i don't even really remember that night. i remember talking to my mother on the phone...hearing the news...and i remember ryan hugging me. i kind of zoned out after that. i also remember the next day on the way to work i was driving with my window down and the music was so loud. i kept thinking that if it was loud enough, i wouldn't be able to think of anything else.
sense of calm after the storm.
my dvd player stopped working that day. no more dvd watching for me.
ryan and i had our anime/drinking party friday night. i had much fun and entertainment. we had anime playing through an lcd projector...plastered across our whole living room wall.
saturday was the orchid show. i'd been planning on taking my grandparents to it for over a month. we ended up going and there was tons of snow. my sister ended up joining us (she only took interest after she found out that my grandmother was dieing sooner than we thought.) that kind of annoyed me. it was something i had planned. i had to have made 25 different calls to track down when it was, where it was and everything. no one knew anything about it. i had to talk to a dean to find out when/where it was. then my sister comes along and kind of takes over.
anyways, i now have some orchids.
that, and the phone in my room quit working.
i also think i left out the weird blue lightening thing. i've been somehow having some static electricity problems. blue lightening has been shooting out of my fingertips. i zapped our answer machine and killed it the other day (we got a new one). i zapped the phone and it won't ring anymore. (the dvd player quit working on it's own as far as i know.)
i have four days off coming up. i was going to travel, but now i don't think i will. i'm not sure what i'll do. i still have to do taxes. and tons of other things.
so much has happened, and yet i have almost nothing to leave in this entry.
i'm getting used to the sound of snow plows at 3 in the morning. snowflakes sticking to my window pane.
watching empire records right now. almost at the end of the movie. good soundtrack. i've always kind of wanted to own my own record shop. a high fidelity/empire records kind of record shop. neon signs. local art work. cheap but good coffee and tea.
insomnia's back. haven't really been able to sleep well or much for days.
end of movie. now watching music videos. internet killed the video star. i've not watched music video's much...ever. not really sure why.
hair's still wet from the shower. i still don't remember when it got this long. i'm tempted to cut it or dye it or something. but i'll probably leave it like it is. oddly enough, during anime night, i had on a long blond wig. everyone said that i looked more asian wearing it. i thought that that was odd...especially since not many japanese girls have blond hair.
strange things. strange times. vertigo life. i've been thinking too much lately, and yet somehow not enough.
"on a cobweb afternoon, in a room full of emptiness, by a freeway i confess...i was lost in the pages of a book full of death. reading how we'll die alone. and if we're good, we'll lay to rest anywhere we want to go. in your house i long to be. room by room patiently, i'll wait for you there. like a stone. i'll wait for you there...alone. on my deathbed i will pray...to the gods and the angels, like a pagan...to anyone who will take me to heaven. to a place i recall. i was there so long ago. the sky was bruised, the wine was bled, and there you led me on. in your house i long to be. room by room patiently. i'll wait for you there. like a stone. i'll wait for you there...alone. and on i read, until the day was done. and i sat in regret of all the things i've done. for all that i've blessed, and all that i've wronged. in my dreams until my death, i will wander on." -audioslave