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01-03-2003 - 15:51

lying in bed in the middle of the day. evening gown on. hair still up. rhinestones on. daylight streaming in. covers over my head. radiohead paying.

i'm on day 2 of my 4 days off. i was going to go to mexico or europe, but my family wanted to gather and have some photos taken...of us all together while my grandmother is still alive and feeling well. i still can't see because of the tears. i'm not allowed to cry about it in front of my grandmother. she told me she didn't want me to because i have to help keep things running well in with the family. i was the only one who didn't cry today. not before, during, or after the photos. not until i was in the car driving home. about 3 blocks away i almost had to pull over. i just turned up the music until it almost hurt and made myself sing along to the lyrics.

i saw my grandmother today in her kimono. i've seen her wearing it in pictures before, but i've never seen it on her. pink silk kimono with flowers on the bottom. red obi. white socks. goldish sandles. she told me that i get it when she dies.

my grandfather also told me today that when my grandmother dies, that i could move in with him. free rent and all. and my brain hurts...along with my eyes. i wouldn't want to live with my grandfather because i'm always up late, would feel weird/wrong having friends over...but i know that he wouldn't do well on his own.

eyes red. swollen. stinging. brain numb. radiohead still playing. still lying in bed. typing instead of crying.

ryan, jay and i are hanging out a bit later. and i'm likely going to have poofy red eyes. yeah.

wandering further...

last night, ryan, beckie, mike, and myself saw the movie "old school". it was entertaining. i still need to see lotr 2.

oh. i'm employee of the month. as of today, i have a designated parking space...right next to the building. i won't have to worry about parking for a month. i guess i also get my name on some plaque (is that how you spell it?) and movie tickets or something. all i really care about is the parking space. that and the look on my evil supervisors face when it was announced. classic.

i think i'm going to take a short nap. wake up...and maybe things will feel better. not that i will feel better...because personally, i feel fine. it's just all of the other stuff that seem out of wack. i'm doing well and the rest of the world is just phased into a different level.

"i wish i was special. so fucking special. but i'm a creep. i'm a weirdo. what the hell am i doing here? i don't belong here. i don't care if it hurts. i want to have control." -radiohead



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