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01-04-2003 - 07:32

i'm on a ledge right now. i dont' want to jump, but i fear that i'm going to fall off anyways. i've been trying to keep things together, but it's just not working anymore. my grandmother with cancer. my uncle trying to kill himself. my father keeps getting sick. my parent's problems. my sister ruining her life. my bird dieing. two people at work making my life miserable. my grandfather having diabetes problems. i'm really loosing it.

today, i was trying to find the phone. i couldn't find it. i pressed the page button and eventually tracked the phone down to the inside of a box in ryan's room. i thought it was funny at first. that someone would accidently shut the phone inside a box. it was a good distracting looking for it. kind of like an easter egg hunt. searching for treasure or something. so, i called ryan to tell him the funny story of where i found the phone. left a msg on his cell. eventually he called me back. said he purposely hid the phone from me. see...i get calls late at night and i don't want them to wake him up. so, i move the phone into my room so i can answer it faster. i try to put it back on the hanger before i go to sleep, but sometimes i fall asleep with it in my room. total accident. i try not to leave it in my room. well, ryan was trying to teach me a lesson. well, to show how close i am to losing it completely...after getting off the phone with him, i just sat and cried for almost 20 minutes.

it's not like i try to hide the phone from him. it's an accident. a lot of times he leaves his computer online or his phone off the hook (that happens more than the computer online). i assume that he just forgets to disconnect or that he just hits his phone with his elbow or something and knocks it off. it's annoying, but it's an accident, so i just let it go.

i don't know. it just seems like the little things are what throw everything out of wack lately. i'm just on the road to insanity. no rest stops. no detours. just driving straight to insanity. i just feel so emotionally burnt out lately.

i haven't been able to sleep lately. it's worse than my usual insomnia. i finally slept today. i went to sleep at 6 this morning and finally woke up at 4:30pm. i feel better now. i look better. i just wish my mind was numb.

updates: my grandmother couldn't take her chemo this week. low white blood cell count. my father goes back to work tomorrow. my grandfather is ok now. the other day they did something to his foot...said that it was amazing that the blood clot didn't dislodge and kill him. my sister finally called my parents. said she was at her boyfriends the whole time...even though he wasn't aware of this. my father buried mickey in the yard the other to one of the pine trees.

aaahhhhh! i'm trying to keep things together, but it's getting amazingly more difficult to not scream or break out into tears. i'm better at night than during the day. i've been pretending that everything is ok, and i think that that's part of the problem. that's why this is a confession. getting everything out. honestly, i'm already starting to feel better. and if i keep telling myself that, eventually i will.

i find moments of peace after crying, while drinking, while chatting with people online, and hanging out with don and nick. distraction? chemical interactions? i don't know.

i feel empty right now. but feelings change. happiness or sanity are just around the corner...and i'll settle for either

"she shines, in a world full of ugliness. she matters, when everything is meaningless. fragile. she doesn't see her beauty. she tries to get away. sometimes, it's just that nothing seems worth saving. i can't watch her slip away. i won't let you fall apart. i won't let you fall apart. i won't let you fall apart. i won't let you fall apart. she reads the minds of all the people as they pass her by. hoping someone will see. if i could fix myslef i'd...but it's too late for me. i won't let you fall apart. i won't let you fall apart. i won't let you fall apart. i won't let you fall apart. we'll find the perfect place to go where we can run and hide. i'll build a wall and we can keep them on the other side...but they keep waiting...and picking...and picking...and picking.......i and (it's something i have to do) i won't let you fall apart (i was there too) i won't let you fall apart (before everything else) i won't let you fall apart (i was like you) i won't let you fall apart." -nin



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