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18-04-2003 - 04:44

my life as it is now:

my grandmother hasn't been feeling well lately because of her chemo. luckily, she doesn't have it this week, so i hope that she starts feeling better. i can tell how hard it is on my grandfather. i always visit once a week at least and hang out with them for a few hours. i've already told her that i'll help her with her garden once things start growing. it's so sad. she's always worked on her garden, and now she just doesn't have the energy to do so. but she's trying. she's not giving up yet.

what's really difficult is that christina is going to jail soon and my grandparents keep asking me how she's doing. i just say that i haven't really talked to her lately because we're both busy and that i hear she's doing well. i hate lieing. i'm not really good at it. i can lie well when it's nothing serious...jokingly with strangers. like when ryan and i used to tell people we were brother and sister. it's just really hard for me to flat out lie about something like this. and i know i can't tell them because they're worried enough and have enough on their minds.

christina's birthday is coming up. april 29th. she will be 22. it just seems like she's so old, yet i'm too young.

my sister's used tons of drugs. she's been drinking for at least 8 years. and smoking for about the same. she's been arrested. engaged. she's going to jail. i just kind of feel like a kid trapped in an adults life. i've done tons of things, but not quite like my sister. my parents keep wanting me to grow up less immature. my sister tried the whole growing up fast thing and it didn't really get her anywhere good.

i've really been slacking on entries this month. things have just been slightly complicated. i do have my sanity back though. i need it. my family doesn't really admit it, but they need me to keep things sane. i'm good at distraction. i hang out with my grandparents and even though my grandmother feels awful, i get my grandparents to laugh. my parents are worried sick (litterally) so i come home, and not long after, i'm saying witty comments and chasing the cat around and making them laugh. my mother even said on my last visit that she'd almost forgotten about how things were at the time.

well, updates: i'm not sure what i've not put in here since my last entry, so some of this may be revisited.

not this past monday, but the one before that, ryan and i both were snowed in and called into work. we just ended up cleaning a bit (more him than me) and just lounging all day. it was kind of fun. was really fun. first time i've ever called into work like that. it's was kind of like having a snow day from school when i was a little kid. fun all around.

and, jay has a new apartment. i guess he moved in with a friend from work. but, now he lives in ann arbor. so, if i ever figure out how to get to his place, i'll be really close from work.

nick. i'm not really sure what to say about him. i've been hanging out with him quite a bit lately. on tuesday, he came over and brought champagne. we sat around watching movies all night and morning. the last movie ended about 20 minutes after ryan left for work. (ryan has a "normal" job, hence he works real job hours). he took wednesday off of work, so we slept in until almost 1pm. it was great. there's nothing like waking up with someone's arms around you. after that, he went to his brothers to shower and such and i washed my hair in the sink (called maintenance the day before to have my shower fixed since it's shoots water off in all directions.) then we met up a half hour or so later and went to olive garden. it was kind of funny when we ordered drinks and i had a glass of wine and he ordered iced tea. (not of legal age to drink in the state of michigan.) then we went to the mall. he was great about going sister birthday shopping with me. most people would be really annoyed, but he didn't seem to mind.

nick is really sweet...and really strange. and, i'm not really sure how to describe him other than as being comfortable. we're not dating, but i feel more comfortable with him that most of the guys i've dated. he doesn't seem to mind that i wear strange pajamas, or that i look awful in the mornings. he also calls me things like honey. that's definitly something i'm not used to. that and while i'm doing things like putting the kettle on or brushing my hair, he'll walk up and stand behind me and hug me. another odd but good thing is that most guys who fall asleep with their arms around someone, don't stay that way. once asleep, neither of us move much, so we wake up that way. and i keep telling him that his arm is going to fall asleep or something and he just says that it's worth it. i'm not sure how to take that.

other than that, i have easter off. so, tons of all day eatting. i also have one more tues/wed off and then my 8 day stretch. then i'll finally have fri/sat off again. i have awful insomnia lately. not when nick's over, but when i'm sleeping by myself, which is most of the time. plagued by weird dreams.

watching coldplay on television. yeah...the hot...with a british accent.

grrr...bit my lip today. stings.

"i guess it's better you trapped yourself in your own way. and if you want me back. you're gonna have to ask. nicer than that..." the used



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