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01-06-2003 - 02:54

guys never call when you need them to.

tonight, ryan and i hung out at the apartment drink large amounts of really cheap alcohol. ryan long island iced teas. me, strawberry white russians.

we talked about a lot of things. oddly, we talked about some people from high school. the past few nights, i've had weird dreams involving people from high school.

as of now, ryan is just heading off to bed. it's only a little past 2am and i'm tired. i've been worn out this week. it's been an awful awful week. troy was on vacation, so i had to bear the wrath of the evil supervisor alone. i was late to work one day this week after being run off the road and almost into a cement divider...i actually scraped my drivers side mirror on the wall, after being run off the road by a "wide load" truck preceding a house on a flat bed truck. yeah...i was almost run over by a house on m-14.

i am also not quite sober right now. in fact, i am pretty far from it.

anyways. ryan and i talked about some things. how joe didn't speak up twice and is not pretty much gone. how i had a thing for brian...and probably still do. how i'm hanging out with nick, but not dating him. how it would be interesting/fun to hang out with april. how cory and heidi live practically right next to us (2 min away) and we never hang out with them. how we haven't been "out" for almost 2 months. and, how we're going to get a group to go out this coming up weekend.

other than that...i've bought a wine rack off of ebay. wrought iron. 45 bottles. beautiful.

right now i'm tired. i'm sleepy, worn out, and not sober...but i don't want to go to sleep. i kind of wish someone would call (mostly nick since he's closest) and want to hang out. i don't want to do anything, but i don't want to do nothing alone. right now i'm sitting in candle light listening to the 70's 80's and 90's compilation cd that ryan made. it's what we were listening to before he headed off to bed.

right now:

i'm kind of missing shaun. i wish nick would call. i wish nick would come over and distract me from thinking about shaun. i'm glad i'm out of work. i've decided that i'm not answering the phone tomorrow/today just incase work calls since they're short staffed. i'm thinking about how i have to call my grandparents tomorrow/today and hang out. how i have to go back to my parents on sunday/monday and work on the yard some more. how i can't believe that by doing the same things i've always done, i've become the "good child". how i find it odd that i'm single, yet there's a couple of guys that are interested in me.

i find it really odd how there's a couple of guys interested in me. it's not that i have low self esteem or anything...but, dating wise, i find it difficult to believe that more than one guy would be interested. it's hard to explain. i've noticed in recent years that most of the guys that i hang out with at any given time that are straight, have a thing for me at some point in time of me knowing them.

also...i like nick. i also am 99.9% sure that i still have interest in brian. i'm not sure if brian ever had/has interest in me, but he will break my streak of every guy i've liked somehow having some interest in me. like matt...we hung out/kissed and such. and, now that he's heard from sabastan that i'm hanging out with nick...seems to want to hang out a bit more. but, i think brian is lost for good. he quit working at the hospital, and moved back with his parents. i know he still talks to sabastan, but can a girl really ask a guy who's asked her out for another guy's info with tact? likely not. and, i still have possiblilties with nick...even if we don't talk/hang out much. i did call sabastan tonight and left a msg on his voice mail...i'm thinking that perhaps a couple of us (including brian) could hang out sometime...see what happens.

right now i'm tempted to call nick. i'm also tempted to call sabastan and get brian's number. again with guys never calling when you need them to. if nick called when i was thinking of contacting brian...then, i'd be destracted from brian and focused on nick. but no. no calls. just more drinks and thoughts of how i could possibly hook up with brian. this is not good. it's not bad, but it's not good. especially since nick is likely my date for my cousin's wedding reception in a week.

and, i don't know if it's because my drinks were really strong, or just because i didn't eat much today....but...i am actually intoxicated enough right now, that i am having difficulty typing. i keep having to backspace and correct major errors. (such as there being no g in backspace).

i wonder when the new radiohead album comes out. i should find out sometime after daylight and waking up and such.

i have cd's scattered all over.

oh...and it's the first day of june...and it's bloodyn freezing out here. there was frost on my rear window when i was leaving work tonight. frost....and that was only a couple of hours before june!

drunk on strawberry goodness. mmmmm.....


"she called me late last night, to say she loved me so. it didn't matter anymore, but i say she never cared. i guess i'll have to wait until then. if i get drunk well, i'll pass out on the floor now baby. you won't bother me no more. if you're drinkin' well, you know that you're my friend and i say, i think i'll have myself a beer. she called me late last night to say she loved but i guess he changed her mind. well, i should have known it wouldn't be. all right, but i can't live with out her, so i won't even try...maybe someday, i'll think of what to say. maybe next time...i'll remember what to do. she looks like heaven. maybe this is hell. she said she'd do it all again, she'd promised not to tell! if i get drunk, well i'll pass out on the floor now baby. you won't bother me no more. (and she said) it's ok boy 'cause you know we'll be good friends...and i say...i think i'll have myself a beer..." -reel big fish



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