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24-06-2003 - 02:36

where to start. i just finished a 7 day stretch of work. had mandatory overtime last night. i'm in an odd mood.

i went to get a magazine from my car tonight (newtype mag.) and i saw nick's car over at don's. it's weird knowing that he's so close and yet we're not talking and i don't know why. it's not the first time this has happened to me...i'm seeing someone. things appear to be fine. we even make plans. then they just quit talking to me. i only tried to contact nick once after he backed out of going to the wedding reception with me. and that's all i'm going to do. i just wish that people would let it me know why things end. i'm fine with someone suddenly changing their mind and not wanting to see me anymore...people change in odd ways. i just wouldn't mind hearing it. "jim...i'm sorry, but i've lost interest and don't think it would be fun to see you anymore." yeah, it sounds bad, but it's better than just quitting with out any notification.

my mother's birthday recently passed. i ended up getting her a bunch of stuff. my sister didn't even give her a card. i don't even think she called her.

christina. i guess she quit the flower shop she was working at. she's working at a garage now. i'm not sure if she's dropping out of college or not. i guess she wants to work on cars. life is strange. she went from being homecoming queen, being a cheerleader, fitting in, to getting tons of tattoos and piercings, yet complaining about never having money to visit, and picking up guys in pool halls. this is the real christina. when she was in high school, she drank a lot and used various drugs, but pretended to be for lack of a better word, perfect. i don't know if i should be sad or happy about things. sad that she's changing her life in a bad direction, or happy that she's finally open about who she is.

i'm cold and tired right now. i can't sleep. my body is sore. my vest wasn't adjusted right today at work and now my shoulders and neck hurt. i'm cold but i don't want to put on more clothing.

i've once again decided to give up on dating. i think it's me. i can't seem to find the right people or do the right things. i wonder what's worse. never having someone there and not knowing what it's like, or knowing what it's like and then not having someone.

one good thing is that my grandmother is still doing well. had some more tests today. results in a few days. hopefully the news will be that her cancer hasn't spread more.

i had a dream the other night. in it i was sleeping and woke up to the phone. my family was at the hospital. my grandmother was fine. all signs of cancer gone. then call waiting beeped in. (which we don't have here). i answered and it was another hospital. a police officer at the hospital was calling to tell me that they found the body of a girl in lansing barely alive with no identification. all they had was a purse with some papers with phone number on them. my number was one of them. i woke up when i went to switch back to the first call.

"i watched you change...into a fly. i looked were on fire. and i watched a change in you never had wings. now you feel so alive. i've watched you change. i took you home...set you on the glass. i pulled off your wings....then i laughed. and i watched a change in you. like you never...had wings. now you feel so alive. i've watched you you never had wings. i look at the cross...then i look away. give you the gun...blow me away. and i've watched a change in you. like you never had wings. now you feel so alive. you feel...alive. and you feel alive. you alive. i've watched you change. like you never....had wings. you changed..." -deftones



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