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12-10-2003 - 01:56

i'm having a pathetic moment right now. i'm spending my birthday by myself.

this morning, my parents, grandparents and i ate lunch at happy sushi. my sister was supposed to be there. i figured she was just stuck in traffic. when i got home from work, i found out she was in jail. she got arrested again for drunk driving while still on probation. the first time she was arrested was last year on her birthday. this time, she was arrested on my birthday.

then, i was going to go out tonight after work with ryan. i left a few messages on his answering machine, but i guess he only got the first one. when i got home, i called him and told him that i was going to go out with someone else since he was already out...but, i forgot that i'd told the other person that i was going to with ryan in an email today. so, when i called, he was in lansing.

so, now i'm sitting by myself in a semi-dark apartment about to drink some cheap champagne. and i'm crying. i'm not sure why i'm crying. i was fine with the spending my birthday by myself. i wasn't crying until i heard about my sister and how she's ruining her life. that's what started me crying. i'm not sure why i'm still crying.

you never realized how alone you are until moments like this. when you just want to talk to someone who cares and just have them listen. i don't often cry in front of people, but tonight would be a good night for it. will had mentioned a few days back something to the effect that you don't realize how lonely you are until someone brings it up...i guess that's true. in my case, i think the whole world tonight is making sure that i realize that.

well, i think i've vented the sadness out now. maybe it's just that i finally turned on my cd player...but i'm feeling better now. eyes sting a bit and now i'm all stuffy, but feeling better.

think i'll just change into something nice, sit around my apartment, drink some champagne, and listen to some music.

returning to my computer...

i've spent the past 2 hours drinking pink champagne (the cheap stuff) eatting microwave dinners and birthday cake, and sitting on my balcony listening to music. all in all, not a bad night.

i was kind of hoping that andy would call. back in college, any time i felt bad or was unhappy, i'd either talk to or hang out with andy. like when i got in a fight with the guy i was dating at the time and andy put on his green sports coat that he got from the thrift shop and danced about my dorm room. or when i was unhappy about something ( i can't even remember what it was now) and andy pretended he was a cat and kept making funny noises. every girl needs someone like that to cheer them up when things aren't quite right. grrrrr...too bad he moved to virginia (or west virginia).

i feel myself again. brain has accepted that there's no helping my sister. brain has accepted that technically i'm not alone on my birthday anymore 'cause it's after midnight. calm sets in.

rustling of the leaves outside. i love fall. i like when it's just cold enough to wear a jacket.

good things from my birthday. my grandparents gave me money and a japanese doll in a kimono in a glass case. my sister gave me (left with my parents last week) a nice silver coloured martini set. my parents gave me this computer (still not sure how much i owe them). my friend troy gave me a ratchet/screw driver set (a nice one.) my parents also surprised me at work with a tasty chocolate birthday cake with chocolate whipped cream frosting.

and...the first person to say happy birthday to me during my official birthday hours was a certain cute british boy.

so, all in all, not a bad day. just a few unhappinesses that passed.

happy 24th myself. things can only get better from here.

musical selection: the soundtrack to flcl. song, beautiful morning with you. no lyrics to it. but, it is amazing.



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