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09-12-2003 - 04:17

confession time.

i finally told ryan today that i have a crush on andy. i thought i kind of did, but it was decided when he visited last. i could say something to him now, but instead i've got inu yasha on mute and i'm playing an ataris album.

crushes are bad. i'm not used to them. i'm especially not used to having a crush on a friend of mine. the few i've had have been on guys i didn't know that well...and they faded fast, usually after getting to know them. this is reversed. i've known andy for a while and it's working in reverse. normally i'm very blunt and forward about having interest in someone. but this is very out of the ordinary. i don't think andy is interested in me and he lives 10 hours away. i don't think i really started to realize that i liked him until he moved. then i kept thinking that i wished he was here. everyone i've talked to so far thinks that i should say something to andy. at this point, i'm not sure if i should, but i probably will...just because that's what i do. at this point i'm not sure if this is one of those crushes that will fade fast or just cling.

what's hard for me to say is that i'm afraid. i'm afraid that if i say something, things will be too akward between us and with the distance, not talking for extended periods of time can be fatal in friendships. i'm afraid that if i don't say something i will regret and i'm more afraid of regret that just about anything else. i'm afraid of rejection. i'm afraid that there's a chance that he might be interested too. i'm afraid that he may meet someone else before i see him next. i'm afraid that if i say something to him not in person, i won't be able to read his reaction. i'm afraid that if i say something to him now he won't want to hang out when he visits for the holidays. i don't like being afraid. i'm not used to it.

i realized that i liked andy the day my parents told me that they were considering a divorce while talking to me over the phone when i was at work. bad things were already going on. i called ryan and andy. when bad things happen, i just want to call andy and invite him over. then just curl up with him on the couch or my bed with a movie on. that's how things worked back in college. my mother makes me cry...andy cheers me up. when i was unhappy about a fight with the guy i was dating at the time...andy came over and put on a bright green jacket and danced about until i forgot what the fight was about. even today, i remember him dancing about in the jacket, but i can't even remember who i had the fight with. things are just weird now. it's always worked out that when andy visits, he sleeps in my bed with me and when i visit him, i sleep in his bed with him. nothing has ever remotely happened or even started to happen. if i say something, this will change. usually when i first see andy, i run up and throw my arms around his neck and he picks me up. if i say something, this will change. all of these things that i'm used to about andy will change if i say something...but what if there could be more? this is driving me insane.

i'm not sure what's worse...being undecided in how i'm going to go about all of this, or the fact that he hasn't emailed me or called me in days.

but, there is the possibility that he has some slight interest. when he was here last, after a night of drinking, we had just piled into bed and i just remembered it today...i was curled up next to him and i remember mumbling something about how my feet are always cold and he moved so that he was covering my feet and warming them up and he asked something to the effect of if that helped. do guys that aren't interested in someone do things like that? there's just a million little things that he does that make me happy...and half of those million things could mean that he has some interest, but they could also just mean that we have a rather odd relationship (which we do).

oh well. let's see what tomorrow brings since now i'm just rambling...

"these past few weeks, i've been confused. sometimes i wonder if i'm better off alone. you fall in love, then break your hear. you fall in love again, it's never ending..." -the ataris



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