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05-02-2004 - 03:57

i have a question. how do you know how much you like someone? how do you know the boundry between like, love, and lust? what exactly is the difference between loving someone and being in love with someone? i understand the whole "well, you love your family, but you're not "in love" with your family" answer, but i think that it's different with friends. how do you know if your interest in somone is genuine, or just a sense of loss thing? i wonder if the thought of not being able to pursue possible interest in someone makes a person realize the person, or just realize what they could be missing. i wonder if any of this makes any sense...

on a different note, not sure if it's good or bad, but there were a lot of people who refered to me as "cute" today. lots of cute, good looking, and pretty comments. that kind of makes me wonder. today i didn't really look that great in my opinion. just one of those icky feeling days. sometimes i lapse into my past life (pre-college in brooklyn). i never really received any compliments back then. mostly i was just made fun of or overshadowed by my sister. every once and a while, i wonder if people complimenting me are really doing so, or just sarcastically making fun of me. it's hard for me to accept that maybe people are starting to see me the way i see myself.

back to my on-going "problem". i still haven't said anything to him. i sometimes wonder if he's met someone out there. i wonder if i've missed my chance already. i wonder if i even have a chance. i somehow feel that everything would work out if i just saw him in person. i find it odd that while i'm not a "touchy-feely" type of person, the first thing i do when i see him is run up and throw my arms and legs around him. i also don't mind that he picks me up a lot (sometimes even when he's on rollerblades). not even thinking about it, i'll go and sit on his lap and he'll throw is arm around my waist. i've fallen asleep before curled up next to him on the couch watching bad movies. i've always been comfortable around him.

it seems like i keep saying/doing the same old things. i'm slowly making progress on change. going out more. planning. being less dissapointed by plans not working. i do have goals. destinations. i no longer want to become an ex. right now i'm an ex-drummer. an ex-skater. an ex-fencer. an ex-concert goer. there's a commercial that's out right now. it says "life is calling. where are you?". i wonder how many people out there need to be reminded of this. so many people just seem to get caught up in life. i'm not going to be one of those people any more. i'm not going to pay attention to my mother who seems to think that i'm going nowhere. that i'll never date. never be happy. it's not going to play out that way.

more pondering. what does it mean if just talking to someone on the phone makes you smile for a whole day? is it significant to know that when a certain person smiles, you know it know the uneven upper lip and how his smile tilts slightly to the side. does knowing someone else's insecurities play a part in making you completely comfortable around them? how do you know if you're talking yourself into liking somone, or if you really do like them? can you be really truely interested in someone and not know it for an extended period of time? how interested can you be in someone if you still have slight interest in others? i sit back and laugh. i sound like a high school emo kid. i haven't grown up yet...

"...and if i can't have everything, well then just give me a taste. it comes down to this. your kiss. your fist. and your strain, it gets under my skin. within. take in. the extent of my sin..." -nin



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