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2004-04-07 - 3:32 a.m.

i figured out the word to describe my takkun feelings right now...disenchanted.

today after work and then class, i came home and ryan and i did something we haven't done in a long time. we "stalked" kris. we went to high school near kris and knew he lived in the area, but didn't know exactly where until today. so, we drove over there (he lives in the complex next to us) listening to the banditos (our summer song) with the windows down singing all the way. then we talked to him for a bit. i do hope he visits us.

then we went to borders books where i bought myself a dvd and then to meijers where i bought myself some incense and a yummy smelling discount candle.

i find it odd that i'm so "young" for my age. i'm at the point that most people hit back in high school...

ryan and i had an interesting night for a week night where we both had to work the next day. ate cheese. drank wine. talked. fortune sticked. taroted. much about the future.

i wrote takkun a letter tonight. sealed it with red wax. i'll only give it to him if when he leaves...and only if i'm still interested in him. right now i can honestly say that i'm not sure.

i really should clean up a bit before takkun's visit on thrusday night. i have clothes and papers everywhere. i also have an odd orange ring in the toilet in my bathroom. maybe it's some new form of bathroom algae or something. i would have to say that i think i'm a fairly clean person. clean but cluttered. i don't leave dirty dishes in my room. just sometime an empty tea cup or two.

on my drive home from class today i found myself thinking too much. have you ever thought that you could drown everything out if only you turned your sterio up loud enough? i was listening to and singing along with blink 182 quite loudly. i often think too much when i'm driving at night. it's good and bad. windows down/cracked. wind blowing in. sterio on. singing alone.

it's early, but it feels so late. poor ryan has to get up so much earlier than i do.

i can't wait till takkun visits. it's like i'm watching a really great show and it's "to be continued". it's hard to believe that i'm involved. i want to see how things end. will there be an end? will there be a sequel? is this where the jim show get's a takkun spin-off and we both move on to fight crime with our super powers in different cities with different groups? who knows. right now all i can do is burn some incense.

well, i'm going to pretend to sleep and see what thoughts pop into my head...

i think i've used this one before, but it's fitting...

"...and now she knows too much. and i'm too fucked up. it's akward trying to make my move. i'll pretend that i'm fine. show up right on time. but i know i'll never be that cool. i never wanted to hold you back. i just wanted to hold on. but my chance is gone. i know...just where...i stand. a boy...trapped in the body of a man and...i'll take what you're willing to give. and i'll teach myself to live. with a walk-on part of a background shot from a movie i'm not in. she's so important. and i'm so retarded. and now i realize. i should have kissed you in l.a. but i drove home all alone as if i had a choice, anyway. where are you coming from? what are you running from? is it so hard to see? and if you're feeling scared. remember the time we shared. you know it meant everything. you know that it meant everything to me. you know that it meant everything to me." -blink 182



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