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08-11-2004 - 04:28

i'm at work right now in a bit of a lull. i'm bored out of my mind and really ought to be working on my school work.

it's been a while. there's been a lot going on lately. most of it sad. i think i've been avoiding typing anything here to kind of skip over having to truely think things through. one grandmother wavering on the verge of being hospitalized because of her heart. the other was recently out of hospital and off chemo. the hospice people are currently treating her with morphine because of the pain from the bone cancer. we all kind of hope she will decide to go back onto chemo (it actually stopped the pain). at this time i'm not sure if she will or not. one good thing is that my sister is taking to my parents again.

in my personal news, i've been busy all week. we were supposed to have a single take home essay question for my class...ended up with 5 questions, each with an average of 7 parts. Very indepth questions. we were supposed to get the questions two weeks ago...when i had more time. instead i've been working on it at work during slow times. (i got the questions thrusday...and have been working friday, saturday, and now...12 hours each shift).

i've felt worn out lately. just the past few days. haven't been sleeping much. when i have actually slept, i've had odd dreams. i've also felt...cold...for the past few days. almost like i can't get warm.

everything has been moving so fast lately. so fast, yet thinking back, it seems like i've been living this week forever. right now all i want to do it sleep. curl up next to someone and sleep. no alarms. nothing expected.

personal perfection: if i could just curl up next to someone and sleep the day away. upon waking, have them make me a cup of tea.

my eyes hurt right now. that pain of being tired and dry. neck hurts a bit too.

i have the next two days off. i really need to finish up on my essay's and visit my grandparents. i haven't stopped in since halloween night. or maybe it's been since then. this whole week has blurred into some crazy insanity. family crying. i've become the stable one somehow. the one that everyone cries and vents to. i'm the one sent to talk to my grandmother about hospice and final wishes. i'm the only one who can discuss these things and not cry. then i do things like go home and stand in the shower sobbing. it's hard to stay happy lately. i'm not used to it requiring effort.

on a happier note...i plan to buy some games for my new x-box tuesday. hopefully tuesday. it might have to wait a few days longer depending on if i finish my school stuff on monday (which is actually today, but i've not slept yet) like planned. i also finally meet up with my japanese tutor on tuesday. this coming up week (starting after wednesday) will be better. hopefully i'll have talked my grandmother back onto chemo, completed and handed in my school work, bought fun new x-box games, and have fun plans for the weekend by then.

i really think i need to do something fun this weekend.

oh. one good thing about this week was that austin and i caught kogepan at the anime speil in ann arbor this weekend. went before i came into work. that day actually was the best one this entire week. ended up with ginger gelato (or however that's spelled) and saw kogepan. and on the topic of austin...i had a really weird dream with him in it that night. in the dream, beckie and i met up at austin's place. the three of us were going to catch some horror flick at the star theatre on john r. on the way to the theatre, we took a detour to get some drinks and snacks for the movie. we ended up passing a sign for a "haunted cornfield maze" thing and seeing that we had time before the show, stopped at it. the dream had us getting lost in this massive maze of...well maize. someone was following us in there and i woke up right in the middle of us starting to panic and running. strange stuff.

anyways...that is enough for now. more updates soon.

"here it comes, here it comes. i can feel the hills exploding. exploding gracefully. burning up the freeway. here it comes. grass is green at the edge of the bubble. beautiful kids into beautiful trouble. well it seems to fall out of the sky and come down on you. oh baby, burn..." -radiohead



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