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14-01-2005 - 05:23

i want to put so many things in here so often, but somehow never really seem to get it done...

i visited my grandparents today. my grandmother was awful when i got there. and my grandfather was worn out. so, i showed up. got my grandmother out of bed and eatting. cheered both of them up with funny-yet-really-happened-to-me stories. i feel bad, but i think that it's starting to get to me. i find myself more...not sad...but not happy lately. i also have noticed that i'm more mean and drifty. i'll pop from topic to topic more now. i seem to have less concentration. it's hard to be the person to cheer everyone up. my mother cries when she visits them. so does my sister. so, i cheer up my mother, and grandparents. my sister's on her own on this one.

i found out that i got a 4.0 in my last class. i even did so well on my last paper, that the prof gave me 310 points out of 300. written in the side margin was "extremely well written" and something about covering all points. good stuff.

well, jeff is falling out of favour. he's a bit too much of a jock for me i think. he's extremely persistent on trying to get me to sleep with him, yet i'm just not sexually attracted to him in any way. i think part of what killed that off was 1. him asking all the time. and by this, i mean multiple times in a single day. and 2. the fact that he's...had a lot of action. to be more specific...he's had a lot of unprotected action. i have no interest in disease and pestilance. (likely spelled wrong.)

...and now for the bad news. there is another jeff who also works there. well, he fits into "my type" much better than sporty spice jeff. at first it seemed like he was interested, but i no longer think that. but, he seems fun. jeff 1 never does anything. doesn't go out (except for the few times we nabbed him), doesn't do much of anything but work/sleep/drink and not in that order. jeff 2 has a degree in civil engineering (i have a thing for mechanical engineers...or maybe just engineers in general), is going back to school for certification in massage therapy (who wouldn't want to hang out with someone certified in that), and he seems to kind of do his own thing. well, the bad thing about this is that in all honesty, i keep thinking that i'd much rather hang out with him than jeff 1. i also haven't talked to jeff 1 in days (outside of work). and actually it's been almost two days outside of work. i also won't see him this weekend 'cause i work and he doesn't. so, i'll see jeff 1 on wednesday and thursday. i'll see jeff 2 on thursday. unless i end up with bad assignments at work and don't end up in the er while they're working.

grrrr....i'm still trying to figure out how sporty spice jeff ever got any action in the bedroom. how can someone be interested in the offer of "come on, i know you want to fuck me." or "i'd really like to see you bent over on all fours"...or the even better "sorry, i was picturing you naked...and bent over the counter in your bathroom". and, what's even worse is that he's really not a bad guy. he just doesn't seem to know any better. these lines have worked for him so well in the past, that he's never had to learn decent ones. i guess because he was some uber good baseball player for a big ten school, girls used to throw themselves at him. well...if he thinks i'm going to do any of that...then he's sadly mistaken. i'm in the belief that a guy has to put at least some effort into it. i'm not even talking anything big. i don't need a guy to take me out all of the time or to try and impress me...but if the only effort is some almost embarassing lines (i almost feel embarassed for him when he says them) i'm not sure how anyone can expect a girl to be that interested.

do i possibly have some interest in jeff 2 because i can't place his "type"? or is it the fact that he's confident enough to wear a fake fur trim collar on his jacket at work. he seemed concerned the last time i saw him about my laughter after a lot of things he says. well, it's not's just the happy jim giggling. asian girl stuff i guess. i don't do the knee thing though. it's also weird, but i really want to touch his hair. it's able to run fingers though it length. people at work think he's "weird" and people at work know i'm "weird". hmmm...guess it's too bad i think i've scared him off.

i really need to do something fun on my days off. take my mind off of things. i need to go out on a date or something. i need to meet a guy who will like renting movies, staying in, and drinking wine. someone who will roll about in the snow with me. maybe lay out on the ice and look at the stars. i still need to travel. maybe i'll find someone who likes to travel. there's actually a lot of movies i'd like to see too. hopefully jay and i and whom ever else is interested...will see that flying daggers movie next weekend.

"it's bugging me. calling me and twisting me around. yeah, i'm endlessly caving in and turning inside out. because i want it now. i want it now. give me your heart and your soul. and i'm breaking out. i'm breaking out. that's when she'll lose control. yeah it's hurting me. morphing me and forcing me to strive. to be endlessly caving in and dreaming of my love. because i want it now. i want it now. give me your heart and your soul. i'm not breaking down. i'm breaking out. that's when she'll lose control. and i want you now. i want you now. i feel my heart implode. and i'm breaking out. escaping now. feeling my faith grow old." -muse



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