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08-04-2005 - 02:14

it's been a while since i've written anything in here...

things have been very busy lately. emi is going back to japan next month. my sister may or may not finish up college. my grandmother is doing pretty bad lately.

i try to spend a lot of my free time over at my grandparents. my grandfather just needs company sometimes and breaks. my grandmother needs someone around all the time now. she's to weak to do much of anything now. my arms are a bit sore from having to carry her in and out of bed. it's so strange. i've been helping her pick out an urn. it's so strange urn shopping like you'd shop for a new coffee table or something. i feel bad because sometimes she wants/needs things and i can't tell what she wants. today was a fairly bad day for her. she was having trouble eatting today. at least she had a fairly good day yesterday. i spent a little over six hours yesterday over there and about four today. yesterday was the first time she's laughed in quite some time. i can't even remember why, but it involved something my grandfather said after brushing my grandmother's teeth. i find it so undescribable that only a month ago my grandmother was up and about cooking and snacking and yelling at my grandfather for going out without his jacket...and now she can't even hold a phone or a spoon.

there's so much other stuff that's happened lately...almost getting into a fight at the bar (psycho girl ended up throwing a drink all over beckie because the girl kept freaking out). meeting new and fun people lately. even someone who lives pretty much right next door to me.

i need to keep going out...maybe go out more.

the other day i was driving my fiero home late at night. i don't even remember where from. i had the windows down and the music up. hair flying in the wind. sometimes i think that you just need to drive with the windows down and the music so loud you can't think. sometimes thinking just isn't so good. my whold family keeps crying and i just realized that it doesn't make anything better. it doesn't help at all. if i wasn't well and knew i was going to die soon, i wouldn't want to be surrounded by people who were crying and sad...i'd want to have people happy and talking about funny things someone did a few years back. happy things going on now. so far i've only cried once in front of my grandmother...and that was ages ago. it also doesn't help my grandfather either. but, i try to keep things as cheerful as possible for the circumstances. talk about my father's bad memory. my mother's weird dreams. the time my grandfather got this really great deal on corn cobs and it turned out that they were really meant for pigs and cattle. silly things like that.

well, i guess that's all for now...

"where i come from isn't all that great. my automobile is a piece of crap. my fashion sense is a little whack. and my friends are just as screwy as me...look at all those movie stars. they're all so beautiful and clean. when the housemaids scrub the floors, they get the spaces in between. i wanna live a life like that. i wanna be just like a king. take my picture by the pool, 'cause i'm the next big thing...truth is i don't stand a chance. it's something you're born into...and i just don't belong. no i don't. i'm just a no class, beat down fool. and i will always be that way. i might as well enjoy my life and watch the stars play..." -weezer



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