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13-04-2005 - 06:29

i was at my grandparents again today. i ended up skipping class and going over there. i only stayed till 11:30 this time instead of midnight. my grandmother is getting worse. i was only able to get her to eat a few spoons of food and just a few ounces of water. she's barely talking now.

i have the worst sinus infection ever right now. i think it's worse than before because of the lack of sleep and crying. crying is not a natural thing. last night when i got back to my apartment, i just sat in my car and cried for almost 10 minutes. it's hard not crying in front of my grandparents, but i know it would just make it worse.

lately i jump when my phone rings. i keep expecting the call saying that my grandmother's died. i've already informed my work that pretty soon here i'm going to have to take off some vacation days with little to no notice. i figure my family's already a wreck from all of this, so someone will have to try to keep things going. it's just amazing what little things don't get done with out my grandmother. i've been watering her plants. filling the napkins on their counter and the sugar dish. reminding my grandfather to take his meds. it's hard being so helpless. i just go over there and talk to my grandfather and grandmother when she's awake. i'll hold her hand. brush her hair. put stuff on her lips to keep them from cracking. she's just so fragile. you can barely see her under the covers.

and i find myself crying again. there is no good from crying. you feel worse. your eyes hurt. i wish i could stop crying and do something productive about things.

bleah. my eyes burn. i've not even been checking my email most of the time on my days off. wake up. get ready. go to grandparents. go home. cry. eat. clean. (notice the eatting part after the crying part. the right food seems to do a lot for my mood lately.)

the other day i'd had a really bad day at work. everything was fixed when one of my co-workers gave me a fruit cup. i was telling him how bad my day was and he said something like "wanna cup of fruit medaly?" (pretty sure that's spelled wrong). the past few days to feel better i've been hung up on peach mango flavoured apple sauce, chocolate, and cheese.

i'm also a bit mad at myself. i'm still not able to tie my obi properly. i want to be able to get this by sunday so i can show my grandmother. if it takes much longer...she's not going to be around.

i have to take some stupid test at work tomorrow (later today). i took it when i first started and they lost my results. so, i have to take it again. there's a huge book we're supposed to study for the test...i flipped through it a bit. i'm not in the mood to read it. have you ever tried reading something boring after crying? just makes your eyes burn more and you mind drift more. drift to sad places. lonely places.

i'm planning my japan trip for this fall. i'm also working on getting my grandmother's family records. i'm not sure if i'm going to go by myself, or find someone to go with me. either will work.

what i don't understand right now is how the otc meds i'm on make me sooooo sleepy all of the time except for when i want to sleep. if only i could get a good nights/days sleep.

oh...and i have to re-send in my federal tax forms. appearently they lost my w-2 form and sent the rest back to me stating that i needed a copy of the w-2 and to re-send everything. the staple and nubbin edge of the form are still stuck on the form. bleah.

"whenever i wake up. try and pull the shades up. journey through this whole wide world i made up..." -karen o



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