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20-04-2005 - 09:09

i think i did pretty well today. i didn't cry in front of all the people i didn't know. i had almost no sleep. i felt sick. i really didn't eat much all day long...but i think things went well. i now have a ton of plants that my grandfather said i could take from the funeral flower arrangements (4 arrangements of planted plants, and 1 of cut flowers).

i was just happy that my family was pleased with the photo boards that i set up last night-ish.

i thought i was done crying. i didn't cry all day. then at home...i cried when i made tea with the set my grandmother gave me a few years ago. again when i was moving the plants in. i don't like this. the whole crying thing does no good. it just makes you feel and look bad.

it was strange seeing my grandmother in the coffin. people saying good bye and such. i didn't do that today. i already got that part done and over with in the first hours of her death.

i need to clean my apartment but i haven't felt up to it yet. i also just realized that since i would normally have the next two days off...i'll have actually been away from work for a week. and all it took was my normal days off, one vacation day, and one funeral day.

that new weezer song has kept me sane lately. i've heard it going to and from my grandparents house. to and from the funeral home. on the way to big boy's to eat with family after the funeral home. it's catchy and makes me happy. weird how hearing a song can stop you from feeling bad even for just a little bit. music up so loud i can't hear myself sing over it.

flipping through channels, mtv just had a song on called "lonely". vh1 (the next channel up) had a song called "lonely no more". strange.

it's past 8:30am...i can't sleep. i think i need food, but i'm not really hungry...

another movie preview with orlando in it. he's british isn't he? too bad i'm not very likely to find cute british guys over here.

"...all those feelings, those yesterdays feelings will all be lost in time, but today i've wasted away, for today is on my mind..." -the used



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