27-02-2006 - 11:09
it's currently almost 10am. i have been working on my homework set off and on from midnight till just a few minutes ago. i'm glad that i took that last part of last night off as a vacation day to get this all done. i was feeling too ill earlier to really work on any of it. and with all of the math stuff, i have an awful cramp in my hand from writing all of it out.
still not feeling well. and my daunting school stuff isn't helping much. i think that after class today, i'm going to read a chapter, eat, nap, read a chapter and then lounge for the rest of the night.
right now i really miss the ninja. more so how he was back when he was happier than how he's been. i'm still talking (more so now then when i was dating the ninja) one of the ninja's best friends. he said that he noticed that even though the ninja has been asking him why he's been shutting him out, that it's actually the other way around. it's weird when you come to a point where you like just about everything about a person. their good points...their faults. it's strange when you realize that the most comfortable place in the world is sleeping next to a specific person. strange...
i was just flipping through channels and happened to come across a music video for a r&b singer (don't know who) who was cool enough to say something about lupin III in his song. seems a bit odd for a mainstream singer to mention old school anime.
anyway. i've been listening to my break up cd's. i have this thing where i usually don't buy new cd's very often. but, when there's something bad that's happened, like a death or really bad break up, i usually go out and buy a few cd's. i was looking for asian kung fu generation, but no place had it, so i bought bloc party, flogging molly, foo fighters, and ash. borders had a buy three get one free speil going on.
i'm really looking forward to going to vegas. i really think i need it. especially since i recently discovered that to pass a class in grad school, you need a B or better. so, i already pretty much knew i didn't pass my last semester class. i think i'm going to put it off till the very end of my programme. i'm also slowly going insane from reading my book for this class. ($140 book). can't really have too much fun with a book titled "basic orthopaedic biomechanics and mechano-biology". yep. it's no wonder that there's been at least two times where i've actually fallen asleep while reading it at my apartment. and it's not fun to fall asleep sitting up with a hardcover text book lodged under your slumped over body.
as of now, i haven't even started to deal with the emotional aspects of no longer dating the ninja. i'm just starting to get used to not hearing from him multiple times a day/night. almost every night he would call me before he went to sleep. used to stop by my work for short spans of time and either bring me food or just talk for a bit. i'm kind of glad that i was home ill from work most of this weekend. i probably would have ended up crying...and i hate doing that in front of people and/or in public.
i am happy that i will be hanging out with bam, one of the ninja's best friends. we'd tried to do so quite a few times before, but things just never worked out for various reasons including that the ninja would never give me his number (i could have asked bam, but i figured the ninja really didn't want me hanging out with him alone). and i have thought about it and verified it for myself that i'm not hanging out with him in any way to benefit me having any chance of getting back together with the ninja. i was a bit worried about it, but i actually think that it would hinder any chances, but a new friend guarenteed is better than the unknown. we're actually going out for coffee tomorrow night after i finish up with hapkido. i already know i'll be in pain since i haven't gone for the past two weeks. work usually limits some of it, but i really didn't think i would be able to do anything after talking with the ninja on thursday.
and just so i don't mess myself up in the long run (i think that part of the ninja's issues are from not doing this)...i do plan on casual dating just as soon as i'm sure i will be able to function in public like that. my thoughts are that you should never seriously date right after seriously dating someone else, but without getting into casual dating as soon as possible, you end up lugging around a lot more emotional baggage. so, hopefully i will recover normally from everything.
i just keep thinking of things with the ninja. seeing the show on his birthday. hanging out at the arcade in ann arbor. little things. drinking in dive bars in ypsi. how he would wash the conditioner out of my hair in the shower. walking his dog in the rain. him going to the store to get me campbells homestyle chicken noodle soup when i was sick because i had it in my head that that was the only thing that would cure me along with green tea. driving along with no destination listening to good music. getting giant slushies from 7-11. drinking sake, eatting sushi/sashimi and watching kung fu or yakuza flicks...
i have some time to sleep before class, but i'm not sure if i will. if i sleep now, i fear i'll sleep through my alarms again and maybe not make it to class. and after spending all that time on the homework, i really don't want to do that. i think i'll just set all three alarms and see what happens.
this is a long post...maybe making up for not posting much and for everything that's going on...
"...feelings are distant, and i know guilt by name. it was the hardest thing, watching you slip away. oh sometimes, sometimes. oh sometimes, sometimes. sometimes it happens, feelings die. whole years are lost in the blink of an eye. we once had it all but events conspired. oh sometimes. good morning sweet thing, you're safe in my hands. i am no saint, but i understand. oh sometimes, sometimes. oh sometimes, sometimes. sometimes it happens. feelings die. whole years are lost in the blink of an eye. we once had it all but events conspired. oh sometimes. now that it is over, it is through. it gets me every time i think of you. and sometimes it happens, feelings die. oh sometimes. i miss your warm skin beside me at night. and i miss your flesh in the dawn light. oh sometimes, sometimes...saturn's decline in my star sign. seasonal adjustments, stars realign. sometimes it happens, feelings die. oh sometimes. sometimes." -ash