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01-03-2006 - 09:43

fear-and-love by morcheeba just popped into my head. the bad thing is that it's somehow melded with another song that i just can't seem to extract.

yeah...another post. it really is like i am making up for lost time. and i guess i did locate another regret hiding in the corner of my brain next to the "you really need to find out what smells bad in your fridge" part. i really wish that i had kept up with all of this while i was dating the ninja. there were so many good and bad things that happened that i'll eventually get around to backlogging, but it just won't be quite the same. it's really too bad too...i have the largest gap in my posting history while i was dating him. and with out all of that, it's just not the same in explaining how things went. yeah...i should have posted some of the things he said to me. details about his call to me on new years. his falling asleep in my arms about 2 weeks ago. i realize that i by not mentioning how things smell, i really am missing a lot of description in things.

like the horrid smell of the cigars ryan and i smoked at the necto 2 new years eve's ago. but it was still fun. i'm not even sure if i mentioned that the smell of hickory smoked maple bacon left my apartment sometime this week and i didn't realize it till now. i'm not even sure if i mentioned the fact that it was there for weeks on end. or the smell of a brand new cd when you release it from it's clingy plastic prison. the fact that our vehicles at work all smell like stale jimmy johns. the smell of clove ciggs that for some reason is comforting.

also missing taste. pocky sticks fresh out of the box. the sweet magical taste of powerade during hapkido breaks. remembering that someone's lips tasted like sky blue, neck like skinny dipping in a lake at 4am, forehead like a sinatra song. the happy red taste of delivery pizza.

i'm on a quote trip right now. comes from revisiting the past.

"i shouldn't get bored, drunk, and social at the same time. i'm no good at multi-tasking and it comes out foreign." -chiv

heh. i did realize that i forgot to post the part about my aunt having a nervous breakdown. that i believe was back in november and continued till beginning of january. i'm retro-posting...

even better. i stumbled across jim's requirements for "dating" a guy. the first one was that he must eat meat. yeah. my 2004 self rocked. i also realize that in just about every other post, i've mentioned some sort of mild injury. paper cuts from hell. schwacking my head. yep. what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger. should make you smarter and better at avoiding things that may kill or maime you, but well, one can't have everything...and i guess i'll take slight maiming over death any day.

happiness is when something clicks in your brain and you know once again that no matter what happens, everything will be ok. some people may find this slightly insane, and there are different levels of ok...but trusting in yourself does that. i didn't realize that i had lost that truth. i read old posts where i mentioned waivering on it, but didn't realize it was gone. i shall now name this phenominon (spelled wrong) "the magical bacon effect" and reference it as such.

i want to sleep, but with no boyfriend to call me and make sure i'm awake for class, i honestly think i'd sleep through all three alarms. in this state i am wondering. this was the first guy i ever dated that i didn't get bored with. never once thought about "if i wasn't already seeing someone, i'd go and talk to that guy". i also wonder if he ever realized how much it meant to me each and every time he came out to my place. old post made me happy that i had the bother in a almost non-posting span to mention it.

i think i need food. i'm really liking the new black eyed peas song "pump it". they were great in concert ages ago with soul coughing and everclear. makes me feel like driving in the winter at night really fast down empty streets with the windows down, heat on, gas station hot chocolate in the cupholder in an attempt to reach escape velocity and launch strait out into space. with the sterio up so loud i forget that i once knew how to think.

i have this weird energy right now. i'm tired, but right now at this very moment, i could take on the world...kick its a slice of pie...and take photos to post on the internet.

i have already used this one before, but it kind of feels appropriate...and well, i love the series...even if just about everyone including takkun thinks it's lame...

"a hundred years have now gone by. it's the turn of the century. and when i thought that i should cry, i felt a laugh escape from me. now a century has gone. the moon is shining yonder. out to that wide flying world. i must begin to i'm not all that great. and i'm not all that bad. all i can really know here is just my heartbeat pounding. i don't know all the answers. i don't know all the truth. all i can really trust here is just my heartbeat pounding. only the pounding of my heart..." -case closed theme song



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