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01-03-2006 - 08:37

it's been a long time since i've posted a chiv quote, so here's one..."fuck if i don't know why i keep not drinking. i mean, apart from the obvious fact that i'm fiscally bound to sobriety."

i've been reading through my past entries. don't think i'll sleep today. so...i've already been up for a little more than 24 hours. and won't likely sleep till after homework. after class. after work. after getting back home. at least then i'll likely be too tired to dream. i'll be lucky if i can manage just walking and not drooling all over by the time i get to there. eh. used to be a time when i could not sleep for days with little to no problems. only slight hallucinations after more than a few days. never in colour. usually just white things sneaking up on me.

so, instead of sleeping, i'm just spilling the contents of my brain out again. i used to do this all the time. always said it was my cheap form of therapy. guess it is once again. sorry for the neglect dland.

i'm freezing right now. still in the clothing i wore last night. sitting on my bed at my laptop. two blankets. heat on. only my hands and feet are cold. hands i understand from typing. feet are covered.

i've been listening to a lot of idlewild and flogging molly over the past day-ish. saw a commercial for st.patrick's day and it put me on that track.

random disjointed thoughts.

reading through old entries, i've rediscovered how much i went through this past year. best friend finding out he has cancer and being treated. family issues and having to be the ambassador to my sister. uncle almost died. grandmother did die. the flooding of the corner of my bedroom in my apartment and having to sleep on the floor in my living room. was in a minor car accident where an f-350 ripped off the entire front end of my vehicle...and more that i just never bothered with posting.

"i got a feeling it was going to be one of those day when no matter how much i drank i wouldn't get drunk. i'd just wind up sick and disoriented. you can't even rely on alcohol sometime" -billy chaka

oddly enough, even with the prospect of non-sleep comatose state...i'm feeling much better right now. i finally got out enough venting to feel happy.'s weird...but i'm happy now. sad about things with the ninja...but happy in general. not happy about my coughing for well over a week. but happy. this is weird. i guess i was right about dland therapy. if you empty your brain enough, you can reboot and start over again. oh. something kind of funny...i once again got hit on my a guy at a gas pump last night. makes me wonder..."hmmm...i really like the way that girl swipes her credit card. and how her fingers caress the gas pump as she grabs hold of it and gently forces it into the gas tank of her car. that shivering cold and impatient look is just so hot..." or i guess just "hey, that girl looks cute. and she's not wearing a ring. i hope she won't pour gasoline on me and set me on fire..."

i really don't want to go to class today. in a stunning revelation, i have discovered that my skills at comprehending vector calculus and joint loads seems to suffer in correlation with my lack of sleep. imagine that. i am looking forward to drinking every other caffiene drink known to man over the span of today. 'cause if i sleep now i'll crash and burn. wake up sometime next week.

even posts about steven's death by gunshot wound, irv's death by vehicle flying off of an overpass, and mark's death from suicide don't have me down. it is weird reading about past states i was in. i'm not even sad about the 25-11-2004 post talking about ryan and i going to mark's funeral. i wonder if i ever posted the part about him in high school trying to convince everyone that his name had a silent "e" in it. marek.

"oh yeah, i'm not trying to impress you with my technology skills. i'm trying to impress you by trying if that makes any sense." -a friend

i do seem to have ranted quite a bit about pie in past entries. and lack of sleep. i think that perhaps i should purchase some pie in the next few days. maybe thursday so i can eat it when i get home from work. pie can't replace sleeping next to the ninja, but something has to and who says it can't be pie. if you say it can't be pie, feel free to contact me. we can have a chocolate pudding wrestling match to the death! or until someone gives up or gets really hungry.

heh. i started posting back in 2001. it's so weird reading back that far. most of what i post makes little to no sense. guess it doesn't have to. as you can probably tell, i kind of missed posting.

"see me, want me, watch me, need me, bait me, obsess me, chase me, trail me, stalk me, worship me, hunt me, find me, dine me, win me, feel me, hold me, kiss me, touch me, tempt me, seduce me, take me, manipulate me, addict me, adore me, like me, floor me, torture me, ignore me, now you have me. that's the way you love me. that's just the way that you love me..." -sister soleil



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