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01-03-2006 - 07:01

well. i should have done homework tonight, but i didn't. i did meet up with brian. someone who is one of the ninja's best friends who seems to have a similar personality to me. maybe that's why i did the following: i was doing fine in my apartment tonight. put in some laundry. had some good cartoons on. was about to do some schoolwork...when i got a email from a friend who doesn't know that the ninja and i are not dating. she sent me the myspace link to his blog. i read it and just started balling my eyes out. that's when i did something unexpected. the only person i knew of that would be up at the time was brian. and oddly enough, i felt comfortable enough to call him tears and all. we talked, or rather, i vented for well over two hours. now, those who know me know how odd that is. not only do i not like talking on phones, but i also do not like crying in front of anyone.

anyways. i currently can not sleep. haven't eatten much for days. bleah. i should market a new weight loss plan. (not that i need one). the illness-break up plan. you loose weight fast and you don't have to worry about eatting 'cause you're not even hungry.

for the most part i'm fine. things are worse before i go to sleep and right when i wake up. everything since just before my birthday seems like some absinthe induced dream. and i do miss the absinthe. i wonder if drinking some now would make things more clear.

well, my sister went to court monday to try and get her drivers license back. didn't sound promising. i guess she get the formal decision in the form of a letter that should be sent out in the next few weeks.

a friend of mine is trying to set me up with one of their friends. the funny thing is that they don't even know that i'm no longer dating the ninja. i don't know how to take that. is it rude? or someone trying to be helpful and do what they think is get me out of a relationship they don't think i'm getting enough out of? i do know he just wants to help me. it's just weird.

i did have coffee with brian tonight. at starbucks. after hapkido. (which only went ok. my knee still hurts from the getting hit by a car while at work which i'm not sure if i mentioned or not. if not. i got hit by a car while at work.) it was really nice to talk to someone just about life, the universe, and everything. it is a bit weird though. not akward, at least not on my part, but the ninja told me so much about him, that i know him without knowing him if you know what i mean. (yeah...a lot of the know going on.) but, he really doesn't know much about me. so, it's an unusual situation.

i am a bit mad at myself right now. i always try and live life and not regret anything. yes, i may feel bad about something, but that is different than regret. the problem is that right now i do regret something. i think that the ninja and i were/are both a bit messed up. i also think that we, on both sides, would fall for eachother all over again if we could only be ourselves. the ninja said that he hadn't really been himself around me, and i wasn't really myself around him until just recently. like two weeks before the end. i think that most people who know me would say that i am a generally happy person, and that for almost a year now, i wasn't really myself. i am glad though that i was able to realize that i was depressed and finally deal with it before the break up. and since the anniversary of my grandmothers death is coming up, i know i'll be sad, but not depressed. all i had to realize is that she left us 'cause she had no choice. i know she would have stayed if she could.

i really want to call the ninja. email him. some sort of contact. i guess i just kind of hope that maybe he will miss me. maybe he will want to contact me. i just don't want to mess things up any more than they already are.

and i'm not stalker like. when we meet up again, if there's nothing there and i see no potential, i will move on. but i do know that i can make him happy, and i do want a real chance at it.

my apartment is a mess right now. ryan can verify that it was fairly clean the last time he was out here. and i should clean up a bit before he comes out this weekend. and i need to study this weekend...but i also need to get out. it's almost like i'm running out of air in a wide open space if that makes any sense. grrrr....why did i have to become emotional now...after all of these years.

i really want to get back to my "normal" life. i miss things like cheap carnivals. drinking 7-11 slushies lying in the middle of a grassed in "island" at a busy traffic circle looking at clouds. things like driving around with no destination. seeking out the drive through beer place just to by drinks and question why they'll sell things like beer to someone in a long as they're a passanger. sneak into hotel swimming pools and pretend like we belong there. get kicked out of meijers for playing laser tag or running around with halloween costume whips while wearing the plus sized womens laungerie (can't know, lacey bras and undies) over our clothing. driving to another stated on a whim. grilling marshmallows indoors over a soup can fire "because it's more authentic". going to bars wearing wigs and having whole false names/life stories just to talk to strangers who you will never see again. watching anime marathons while drinking till it hurts. playing in large public fountains with or without lifevests (and remembering that doing so in foreign countries isn't always the best thing...and the water in fountains in europe...not that clean). lying out all night in the lawn with bottles of andre champagne, crackers, and pate (likely spelled wrong) looking at the start and talking about everything and nothing at all. rollerskating at roller rinks in a group of adults amongst a sea of tiny fragile children (who skate way better than you and think you're as old as their mom's). paintball at that outdoor range with the helicopter half way out of the ground. so much more. this is me taking a stand. doing these things is not avoiding growing's just growing up whilst being a fun person.

i was wondering something. the weekend i met the ninja, i also met matt. matt was hot. in a band. from an area i know (grasslake if i recall). was an art teacher at a school in detroit. i wasn't all that attracted to the ninja when i first met him. i wonder what really made me move towards the ninja and not matt. especially since he was exactly my type and the ninja wasn't really at all.

once again, a long post. making up for lost time. i seem to have lost a lot of it this past year.

i really need to sleep. i have to get up early. do some homework. be at class in detroit around the time i would normally wake up if i didn't have class. then go to work. i just know i'll dream of the ninja who have been dreaming about someone else for a while now. you's been a while now since someone has been insanely in love with me. that will happen again. anything i set my mind to eventually happens. mainly because i'm too stubborn to give up or even realize defeat. i guess that's part of why i know i could be happy and make the ninja happy too.

also, the battery in the fiero is dead. it died this past weekend. worked when i left for the ninja's place on the day of the break up. not when i got home. some more odd occurrences...

"...and if there's a ship that sails tonight. i'll captain that too, just to be there with you..." -flogging molly



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