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02-03-2006 - 10:03

many moons ago, the ninja phoned me when i wasn't home. he left a message on my answering machine. sang somewhere over the rainbow. i told him that i was going to leave that message on there and play it back whenever i was having a bad day. what's sad is that what once used to make me so much happier now just makes me cry. i've been crying a lot lately. didn't think anyone could cry that much. i just really wish that he would call me. or send me an email. i wish that i knew if he missed me. is he already over me? i read his myspace posts. all of them last night while i couldn't sleep and was on the phone for hours with someone who was nice enough to listen for all of those hours. i wonder if there's anything i can do to get him back. i wish that right here and now we could just start over. restart with another first date. a proper one. not in the necto. i now realized how bad things were for both of us at the end. but with this knowledge, i also remember how good things were for a while there. i wish we could start over again. random emails. an offer to meet up somewhere in a group setting. a date. and just see how it goes. become friends. hang out. restart. there was something there before, and there can be something there again. i know it. i just wish he did. a chance like that would help me out of this feeling. everything else is starting to go so well...why can't this?

an article in the news was talking about the key to happiness. researched and all. it states that "most people are as happy as they make up their minds to be." i kind of agree with this. right now i just can't turn off that one blinding sad to really want to feel happy. but i used to be...and i used to want to be.

i want to see him test in october. i wanted him around to help me plan my grandfathers birthday in april. i wanted us to go on a camping trip this summer. i had already started planning it and was going to surprise him. i wanted us to go to chicago and roam the town and visit darcy. i still want this. i also want him to want this. i kept telling him that we just had to make it out of winter. out of a really bad year that both of us had. and i wonder if he will ever realize how much it meant to me when he came out to my place. how much i looked forward to him calling. i told him, but i'm just not sure...

he mentioned on a post that he had fallen in love with me again. it could happen again. he had told me he had a blog somewhere...i just wish i knew that it was on myspace. he started it early enough where if i knew all of that (even the random let me know more about him than i did before) than maybe i could have saw what was happening more sooner and changed the trajectory. but i can't change a maybe. i can only try things now...if he would just let me...

something kind of funny. takkun called me tonight. haven't talked to him in a while. hearing from him still makes me happier...

ah. at work today i got sodding ice melting salt dust in my eyes. they instantly got really dry. then really watery. then burned for 10 minutes like they were on fire and i'd just soaked them in ether. my right eye keeps twitching now. no one seems to notice but me. which makes me wonder if it really is...or if it's just my lack of sleep...

"...far and i'm in love again. far 'cause i'm going to wear it out. far and i'm in love again. far 'cause i know no-ones going to show you how, but i found out..." -longpigs



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