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12-03-2006 - 08:09

damn. i'm pissed at myself right now. every time i think i can breathe. not move on, just function, something hits me...drags me in. makes me cry...

yesterday during my lack of sleep time, i had compiled two cd's. one for brian and one for the ninja. the one for brian was kind of a thank you cd...a bit faster paced, but he's a late night cab driver, so it seemed fitting. he seemed oddly helpful in his letting me call him up crying and broken all of those times. the one for the ninja was me hoping to start some sort of love songs, just a tinge slower paced. well, i guess brian picked up the ninja who was walking home to ypsi from ann arbor in the rain. picked him up from under the 23 overpass. told him about the cd and he declined to accept it at this time. i feel like i'm being punished. i want to talk to him. people (and myself) have these theories and i really want to know answers. was the entire part of us dating all a lie? did he try to use me? more than one person seems to think that perhaps he was seeing his ex-girlfriend while he was seeing me. not at first, but still towards the beginning. before, i never would have thought any of that. would have told them right off that they were wrong. but i keep finding out more and more that i don't think he's the same guy i met in the beginning. no one has made me feel as happy and as sad as he has. no one has ever cut me that deep. i really want to know what i did wrong. what went wrong. is he mad at me for talking to brian? is he mad at brian for talking to me? what about the part where he cared for me? friends? does he miss me? is he trying to forget me? i want to talk to him. i want to know...

i had an anxiety attack this morning while driving home from work. it's been a few years since the last one. they started after the accident back on valentine's day all those years ago. started to hyperventilate (likely spelled wrong). i'm glad it's a sunday and there weren't many vehicles on the road. had the window down just trying to remember how to breathe. just need to get home. just need to get home...right now my stomach is still upset and my chest still feels closed in.

the only thing that cheered me up was the fog. i stood outside for a bit when i got home from work. i felt like it was there just to cover up my sadness. kinda makes me feel safe. calmer. something.

i need this vegas trip. i need to get away from myself. from him. from everything. maybe just long enough to reset. start over. i wish we could start over. i wish he could be happy.

"...but love is not a victory march, it's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah..." -jeff buckley



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