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23-07-2006 - 04:23

so...i tried to not get to attached, but i think i failed. i felt guilty tonight. bachelorette party. ryan and i were out. (after catching asian food and a movie.) jackie's set goal was to kiss/make out with three guys. she challanged me to match her. she hit two. i hit two. but i felt guilty. jobe didn't come out, so i accepted the challange. i didn't think it would bother me. but...i find that i think of him a lot. i stepped out of a movie to phone him back after two messages even.

i was talking with ryan earlier. out of all of the guys i've dated or pseudo-dated, including the quite nice guys that i'm still friends with...i've never found someone who actually made me feel good about myself. jobe does that. i don't mind when he touches my face. something that i've never been comfortable with. i don't even wake up when he gets up. another thing i've never done. i always got up when the ninja got up. jobe only wakes me once he's about to walk out the door and only because i asked him to do so.

this morning:
come over here.
i want to, but i think that if i in any way touch you, i'm not going to leave any time soon.
i think you're right...but you should come over here anyways. i can't. you know i have to leave...
[smile] yeah. that's too bad though...
[a smile and a touch of the hand] you should get some more sleep.
you should too. you shouldn't let me keep you up so late.
shouldn't i?

ryan says that he's oddly attractive. and he is. i'm not sure what it is about him. i've never met someone before that i've just not wanted to keep my hands off of them and vice versa.

i had this dream before, and i thought the ninja was the one in i'm starting to think otherwise. there was the short hair. and a few other things. the same things fit jobe. it's strange...

i can't believe he's leaving so soon. said that i can visit and say at his place and that he can visit...but it's not the same. he's moving so far away. it's hours by flight. ahhhhh! he makes me feel insecure and good about myself all at the same time. i'm not sure how he does it. my bouncer even noticed it and commented on it. it's just these little things. a brush of the hand. touching my waist as he walks by. that look where he's watching me laugh and sing along where he smiles and turns his head slightly to the right. the whole curling up next to me and holding my hand. he just pulls me in and makes me not want to leave.

it's too bad he didn't come out tonight. but, he really didn't get any sleep friday into saturday...and he's coming tonight (sunday night). or the evening at least. it's just so strange...

"...juliet, the dice were loaded from the start. and i bet and you exploded in my heart. and i forget, i forget the movie song. when you gonna realize it was just that the time was wrong juliet?..." -dire straits



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