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04-04-2008 - 17:09

yeah, i've been posting a lot lately. part of it is to work things out in my head. part of it is so that i don't forget exactly what i'm feeling right now.

over the past couple of days, i've watched flcl just shy of a million times. it's as if i watch it enough, i'll understand myself better. or at least other things better.

it's been a long long time since i've gotten the i'm not interested in dating anyone speech. it's just too bad that i got it from someone i'm interested in. there's little things that i am going to miss about him. sleeping curled up next to him. his spider disposal. the comfortable smell of him on many of my things. there's a lot of things that i'll miss. his being rather selfish in all of this, i won't miss. i think that that's his main fault.

i've phone into work ill today. i'm not really sick as in with flu or anything, but i'm just empty. slightly crushed, but not beyond repair. i am happy that i've mentioned/stated everything i can. even though it made me feel worse, no regrets. i can recover from feeling bad, i can't really recover from regret. i just have to keep telling myself that since he won't change his mind, that i can't change my mind. i want few things more than for him to come over right now and curl up in bed with me. i know he would, and that's what makes him even more selfish. maybe on tuesday i'll see if other mike will buy me a drink to cheer me up. (not hawaii mike, but other other asian mike.) i guess it's just been a while since i've really been interested in anyone to this point. that and he didn't really act like "just a friend". guess i'm not used to that either.

anyways. pirates were in the news today. taking over ships and such. i know it's a serious matter, but i giggle every time "real" pirates are in the news.

so. i've got my parents making me feel lousy. it's april, which already makes me feel lousy. and i've been "dumped" with a lets be friends speil from someone that i never even got the benefit of actually dating/having as a boyfriend. this month really isn't going all too well so far. the good thing is that i'm going to try and see the dalai lama, i've got two rather large parties to go to, and i have the 18th off. on the 18th, i plan to wear my nice kimono. maybe catch the new jackie chan movie that comes out that day, and maybe sit in my apartment and either listen to music and stay happy, or drink till i cry and the alcohol dries up all the tears. i think either will work rather nicely. i was going to see if "the boy" wanted to come out that day, but well, i'd rather be either by myself or with someone who's more than just a friend.

so. what has jim learned from all of this? attempted dating sucks. and maybe think twice about befriending someone who is a lot younger and that i might be interested in. jim has also learned that while pirates may be funny, the are supposed to be a serious matter when they appear in stories on cnn.

so, for now i am empty. mentally. physically. emotionally. empty. i think i might cry except for empty can't cry. i think i might laugh except for empty can't laugh.

"your hand, so hot, burns a hole in my hand. i wanted to show you." -lisa loeb



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