23-04-2008 - 08:59
just when things started going well, it looks like i won't be able to hang out with "the boy" much for a little while. he offered to call me to make sure i was awake for work later, but i told him no. i don't want to think he'll call and then have him not do so. it's not a big deal, but i've just always had problems with people saying they'll do something and then backing out. i know it doesn't make much sense, but i don't want to hate him. i don't want to get to a point where i resent him for not following through. the one thing i hate most is lies. and i guess i just see making plans and then not following through as just another form of that. i also know that i make him feel bad about his lack of following through lately. i don't want to make him feel bad, but i say things and then as i say them, i immediately wish i hadn't. no one else has ever made me do this before. i think he's just at such a level of confusion and frusturation for me that i just don't know how to properly interact. i'm not sure what it is, but i somehow seem to leave my logical and rational self behind when talking to him. maybe i'll be able to figure out why and remedy this. it's funny that he told me that i'm very emotional. i've had friends get mad because they say that i'm too rational and not emotional enough. i've had boyfriends get mad because they said that my lack of emotions meant that i didn't really care about them.
right now i can't sleep. i'm worried about school. i have to fax my plan of work later today. get it approved. then register for class. luckily it's a short semester. the down side is that it's a short semester. everything packed into under 2 months. i'll have class twice a week. i'm not prepared for it. i don't have a physics background. but, at least accident reconstruction will be fun. just a lot of work. and things won't get easier till the end of next summer when i'm finally done with school. i don't know what i'll do then either. i don't think i'll really think about it until it gets closer. packing so many classes into such little time...i have to admit that i'm worried. i sometimes wonder if i'll be able to do it. i've never asked my friends about it, but i know my parents don't think i can do it. i wonder if that's part of the reason why. i don't usually try to read into why i do things, but when i do...about this at least...i think that maybe i'm doing it because somewhere inside, i want to throw it in my parents faces. they always backed my sister and always thought i'd fail in everything. i do think that if i make it through this, that there will be a certain satisfaction that only comes when you prove people wrong. i already proved them wrong the first time when i got two bachelors degrees. so, now that i think about it...i will prove them wrong again.
so, i watched nana live action one and two. i also watched the first parts, and ends of the series. a great series...except for the last episode. crushing. depressing. but a good part is that it has inspired me...
regarding nana and real life...i was listening to the flaming lips while in the shower today. thought of "him". similar things happening. guy going off to a big city for art school. girl getting left behind. while things ended oddly, they were fun while they lasted. granted i'd never take up with him again, i was thinking today and wondering how things were going for him. i wonder if i'll ever hear about him making it big in ny. i do still remember the day at his mothers house talking in the garden. seeing his art work. him giving me the cd's telling me that they were his favourite band and that he hoped i would like them too.
this will be a long entry.
anyways, i did get to hang out with mike and austin yesterday. we saw the forgetting s.m. movie. i really liked it. mike and i also had giant snake venom drinks. pricey, but well worth it. i love how mike laughs. it's a laugh that makes other people laugh. kind of like laura's. i've been laughing a lot over the past couple of days. it's great since there were a couple of weeks where i didn't do so very much. oh...and i think that my favourite songs of tyler by the toadies and shooting star by bad company might be tied now with the ending version of nothing compares at the end of the movie last night. i need to locate that song.
i know that there were a million things that i needed to get done last night, but i think watching nana was well worth putting everything off. i also know that while i get out of work at 2am on friday morning, i have to get up early as i have a million things to do.
right now i'm drinking iced green tea. from the powder. it's great. i'm lying in bed typing here. there's a dead spider on my ceiling that i killed, but can't get down easily. and i really wish that i didn't have to sleep alone. i mean, i don't need anyone here in any sort of sexual manner, but there's just times when it's nice to sleep next to someone. also, on that topic...i have noticed that while i've slept (yes, as in just sleeping...nothing more) with a lot of people, even with guys i've dated, i've never really slept curled up with someone in the same way as i do with "the boy", aside from takkun. takkun was confusing as well, but not frusturating. i do wonder how i can sleep curled up with someone in such a trusting manner that i'm not sure if i trust...and be completely comfortable while doing so. i may have to revisit and analyze this later. right now i'm just not up to it and don't have enough research material for it. it also looks like i won't be aquiring any more for a little while anyways.
so. a status check. i'm over half way done with school. i'm falling away from people in that i don't get to hang out with others very often due to school. i'm vaguely hanging out with a guy who acts like we're dating when no one is around, but then doesn't want people to know that we associate because he thinks it would be "weird". my sister is falling further from my parents graces and they keep turning to me. i don't know what they want me to do...and i'm not really sure there is anything i can do. work is going ok. neither good nor bad. i've been asked out a lot lately, and think i might have to take up some of the offers. fortunately, most people have at least some of the same nights off as me. so, a boost to the self-esteem and maybe my mother will back off a bit. granted it would be nice if i actually found someone i liked and really wanted to date who was interested in the same, but i think what i really want right now is just someone that i like who likes me that i can depend on. i guess that one good thing is that since i wasn't able to depend on "the boy" before, that i've been able to gain more logic and reasoning lately. i do wonder if he was like one of those forces of nature that i was talking about earlier. i also wonder if it's a good or a bad thing that he's no longer like that. i do like to think that for some people i'm like that. a typhoon or something. i wonder if that's how aimee felt when i pulled her into my crazy world. or ryan when i first asked him to join yearbook. i do rather think that in that case, i started it, but that ryan became his own force of nature and that sometimes we're deadly when combined. i kind of think i'm pulling dean out of his normal world and into my world of crazy as well...or i guess in his case he volunteered. i still like the word iminus used to describe me that crazy night in wales at the bar of the co-ed hostle..."electric". it's how i've been feeling over the past 24 hours...and things are just going to get better.
"kono ayaugena sekai sae. koete yukeru to shinjiru dake. anato to. trust in me. betsubetsu no sora ni. otozureru yoake no naka de. will you trust in me. yume mo naka nando demo aeru deshou?" -nana ending
"you just have to believe that we can surpass this critical world, if we're together. trust in me. under different skies we meet the break of day. will you trust in me? in our dreams we can meet however many times we want right?" -nana ending