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05-02-2010 - 05:13

once again, it's been a while...

so, i have to clear my head. this is one place where i can vent everything from good to bad. no shame. no fear. nothing to hide. maybe if i finally get everything all out, i'll be able to sort things out properly.

i recently got back from a trip through thailand and part of cambodia. on this trip i travelled with this guy i shall refer to as hb. here's our story from start to finish.

back in march of 09, i was at the bar with some friends drinking and celebrating my friend mike's birthday. i'd even made a strawberry japanese-style birthday cake for the event. while there i got a call from this guy i ran into once in front of my apartment office. we'd exchanged email addresses because he was speaking japanese and i'd stopped him to let him know about the japanese group i hang out with (even though i really don't speak japanese). he asked if i could meet up for a drink and i invited him to join us. after some confusion, he shows up with a rather intoxicated friend, hb. well, i'm far from sober at this point. drinking seems to be a theme with us. so, i meet hb and i do find him interesting, but not date-worthy way.

days later, either he or i added one another on fb. he's about to go on a rather long, many month trip. so, he has much planning to do. we converse off and one a bit through fb, but nothing much. months later, he's about to leave for his trip and wants to meet up for a drink. so, at the same bar i met him at, we meet up for a drink or two. we talk about travel and what not. i find him interesting and perhaps slightly exciting at this point. still not even a remote hint of dating interest. this night though is where i invite him half joking to go with me to thailand. i'd just randomly decided that i wanted to go there and didn't want to go by myself (even though i was fully willing to). he agrees, and i figure it's also half joking.

he leaves for his trip. we correspond a bit on fb. nothing much. nothing serious. when he gets back from his trip, he wants to meet up to plan the thailand trip. i invite him over to my place. he comes over and brings his thailand travel book. i serve some drinks. some drinks turns into many drinks. many drinks turns into tons of drinks. etc. since we really didn't know each other, this was more of a getting to know one another kind of extended conversation. at one point in the night after we are both proper drunk, we end up making out on my couch. later when i get up for a glass of water, he falls asleep. doesn't wake up till the next afternoon when i'm getting ready for work. feeling rather awful. a lot of awkwardness. he departs. i'm still not interested in him dating-wise. i felt it was more of a drunken lonely thing. i really think that nothing would have ever happened between us other than travel if not for that one drunken night.

we end up meeting up again some days later. there's that phases after such an incident. you don't know how they took things. if they are interested in you. if they now think you are interested in them. i had firmly decided that when i saw him again, that i'd make it known that i was not interested in him in that manner. he shows up. there's long pauses in conversation. awkward positioning on the couch. i'm not really sure how or why, but i at one point in the visit, he puts his arm around my waist and gave me the strangest look. that's when i realized that he had these amazingly beautiful blue eyes. some how all of this leads to the start of our dating-esque situation.

we ended up hanging out almost every free day for about two weeks. we weren't actually dating and never went out on a date, but we were going through the behind the scenes motions of it. me being me, had a couple of guys 'in the running' and was trying to decide if i should date any of the three options i had at the time. even though it was kind of casual, i was considering hb in these options. it's difficult to decide between a guy from college who is brilliant and funny who's had a crush on you, a sweet yet forward japanese guy whom the parents would love, and the traveler guy who you know probably will never fall for you or let you fall for him...but would be rather exciting while things last.

well, bh was going to go to thailand two weeks before me. a friend of his was getting married there and he was going to the wedding. so, to put it bluntly...i ended up sleeping with him before he left. he's the only guy (in the limited number of guys i've ever slept with) that i slept with and wasn't serious about. we weren't actually dating. the next day he left for thailand. so, yes i liked him. no, i didn't pine for him while he was gone. i did miss him a bit. we'd spend almost the entire past two weeks together. hanging out, him sleeping over almost every 'night'. to be perfectly honest, i missed him for 4 days. then even with the emails and what not, it was more out of sight, out of mind. i went out with other guys during this time. didn't flirt with any of them, just hung out. then i was busy with christmas. i left the day after christmas for thailand. the flights were all delayed. i emailed hb from a free connection at the shanghai airport about my new arrival time in bkk. when i got to bkk, i didn't have a phone i could use yet...well, not a sim card. hb was supposed to meet me there. after looking around a bit, i was about to take off on my own when i see him. i have to admit that this is where i actually started to really like him. in the bkk international arrivals terminal in bangkok thailand. it was the first time i have ever arrived somewhere and had someone meet me. i'm not sure if it was the exhaustion from travel, the humidity or just the movie-like scenario, but i did really start to like him there.

we get to the hotel and the first leg of our trip is great. we fall right back into the dating-esque routine even though we're not dating. things go well until new years eve. i think the closest we ever got was on nye before we left the hotel. i washed his hair for him. he put bug spray on my back. we pre-drank cheap thai whiskey before hopping on our scooter to go out for the night. we get to this bar and get some drinks. it's on the beach. things are crazy. while getting more drinks at the inside bar just off the dance floor, i meet this american guy. for the purpose of the trip, bh and i had been telling others we were boyfriend/girlfriend. makes it easier for others and keeps the creeps away. well, like always, when i met nick, i introduced him to my 'borfriend' hb. nick decides to buy us a drink. while we're waiting for the bartender to make the drinks, hb heads off to use the restroom.

here's my story followed by hb's story: well, we left the hotel slightly after 23:00 and we'd moved to the inside bar maybe around 00:45. well, hb had been gone for a little while and i was starting to get concerned. our drinks had shown up and hb was no where to be found. i wait a little longer and apologize to nick for buying the drink and loosing one of the drinkers. so, we toast and start drinking. only half way through my drink, hb sends me a text. an angry text. about how he doesn't "play that" and what not and how he's leaving. if i want a ride back to the hotel i have 5 minutes to meet him at the scooter. so, i once again apologize to nick and take off. this was all around 01:20. i get to the 7-11 where we'd parked the scooter and hb is not around. so, i end up sitting on the steps of the 7-11 waiting for him. off and on getting angry texts. some of the locals start talking to me. i tell them i'm waiting for my boyfriend and they tell me that a pretty girl should not wait there alone because of the drunken foreign guys. they invite me to their little gathering on the stairs of the building next to the 7-11. that way i can still see my 'boyfriend' when he shows up, am safe, and can have some fun. it was mostly guys, but there were some girls there. all local thai's. they offer me a drink. we're just sitting around talking, listening to music, and having a good time when hb shows up on the scooter even more angry. i try to explain that when i got his text, i went straight out, but he wasn't there. i asked him to join us drinking on the steps. they guys there offered him a drink. he says he's leaving now and if i want a ride i have to get on. so, i end up apologizing to the locals and we take off. back at the hotel, we bicker back and forth. he accuses me of flirting with all of these guys right in front of him. i say it's not like that. he mumbles something about if that's what i want and then grabs me by the wrists and forces me onto one of the beds in the room. we're fully clothed. he's on top of me. holding me down. i tell him that i want to get some air. to let me up. he doesn't. i ask him to let me go. he won't. he tries to kiss me. i tell him that if he tries again that i'll bite him. that he needs to let go of me and that he's scaring me. (i was almost raped once in college so while to many, this isn't very traumatic, to me, it was like life or death). he tries to kiss me again. this time he forces his mouth over mine. i panic and follow through. i bit him on his bottom lip. then the one and only time i've ever been stuck by a guy, he pulls back his left arm and slaps me across the cheek. hard. never being slapped before, it was a strange feeling. the pain was mostly from the shock of it all. cheek warm. stinging. i almost lost my contact from the strike. after he did this, he got up off of me. cursing me. walked into the bathroom. curing more. yelling that he's bleeding. during this time i'd frantically thrown everything into my suitcase. hb came out and stopped me from packing. i was scared at this point. i didn't know what to do. i grabbed my purse with my money and passport and ran out the door. left everything else behind. i walked the long walk way from the hotel to the road and sat down on the rocks at the entry way. after a while a local girl on passed me on a scooter. i was crying. she turned around and asked if i was ok. her name was nok. i said i was ok, but she said she didn't believe me. told me if i was ok, to look at her and say so. when i did, my cheek was still red. she gave me some tissues (every thai girl has them). she asked if i was staying at the hotel with my boyfriend. i said yes. she asked if he was the one who did 'that' to my face, pointing to my cheek. i said yes. she said that a guy who does that is wrong. a bad man. she says that if i want, i can stay at her place. she asks if i have a suitcase. i tell her that i left it back in the hotel. she asks if i want to go get it or not. i didn't know if he would do anything to my stuff or not so i tell her that i'll be right back. i sneak in and grab my suitcase. hb comes up and grabs my wrist. i thought he was going to slap me again, but he's now saying that i shouldn't leave. i'm still scared. i head out and he stops me again. we talk for a minute and i tell him that i'm leaving and staying at a girls place. finally after he let's me leave, i'm walking my suitcase out to the road and he's still following me. trying to stop me. by the time i get back to the road, nok's gone. so i start off walking down the road. hb is in his shoes and boxers if i recall. he starts to follow me down the road. apologizing. i'm a sobbing mess. when i turn around, he was crying too. i don't know how or why, but when i saw him crying i walked back over to him. we embraced and that's when he was telling me about the mystery drink and how he's never struck a girl before and he's usually not the jealous type. we go back to the hotel room.

his story: back at the inside bar, while in line to use the restroom, two guys offer him their drink. it's a mystery drink. he drinks this and suspects there might be something else in it. from the restroom point on, his concept of time then falters. he doesn't really remember anything from that point to the hotel. he vaguely remembers the events in the hotel like me biting him and what not. he doesn't remember why. he said that things started to clear up after that.
so, i try to pass it off. that night was also the first night of the trip where we didn't sleep together. the next day i felt awful. awful from the drinking. awful from the crying. mostly from the crying. while i try to act like everything is fine, while i want to, i no longer trust him. i don't want to say that it brought up hints of ptsd, but it might have. things weren't the same after that. we got along and what not, but because we never really fully talked it out, i don't think we really recovered. to him, it was just a bad night. to me, it was terror. for me, after something like that, trust has to be rebuilt. so, because i was so traumatized by this, i did keep bringing it up during the trip. and more things also stemming from trust. we had one more verbal altercation while on the trip. this was aftermath from the nye incident.

the strange thing about it is that i felt he never fully acknowledged everything. he asked if i would ever forget about what happened on nye. i said no, but i'd forgive him for a lychee drink. that part never happened. it was then agreed that he'd bring me cupcakes once we were back in the states. not a big deal, but to me that woud be him admitting to it. not a 'what happens in thailand stays in thailand'. well, 3 weeks back and it didn't happen. it was like all of the bad from thailand didn't happen.

after thailand, we hung out once shortly after getting back. that went well. then he was sick for about a week and i didn't see him. then i saw him once more alone. things went really well. i hate to admit it, but this is where i really liked him. it was the first time i kind of wanted to actually date him. a few days later we were supposed to go out to a charity vodka expo even together. that was this past friday. friday was not a good day. my grandfather called and left a jumbled message. i couldn't get him back on the phone. i eventually went by his place and he wasn't home and his car was gone. i was worried. then i find out that my grandmother on the other side of the family might have to be hospitalized. so, i'm already stressed. then hb tells me that his friends car broke down and he'll be coming with us. also tells me that we'll have to leave early because he's going to his friend's outing and i'm not invited. i tell him that i have something to say to him but i don't know if he wants to hear it. i ask if he does and he tells me 'only if i think he should'. so i don't say anything. i was going to tell him about why i was so stressed. that i was wondering if he actually liked me (from there ask about considering actually daing). but he didn't seem to want to know. after that, i got more bad news. some paperwork that i had spent two years working on to get my grandmothers death properly registered in japan with her family fell through. then my mother called to harp on me about how her best friend's kid with the same name as me just had a baby. to nag more about things to do with my little sister's upcoming wedding. i felt awful at this point. i called hb and told him that i wasn't going to go with him. i was crying on the phone when i told him this. i don't think he noticed. or if he did, perhaps he didn't care. i was in a bad place. he said he'd hold onto my ticket and i could come and get it if i wanted, all i had to do was call him. original plans were for him to pick me up at 19:00. at 19:13, i rang him up. i had decided that i felt awful and just needed to get out. he was already on the way there. no offer to turn around. i ended up going with ryan. on my way out there to meet up with ryan, i rang hb so i could let him know i'd need the ticket. he did ring back about a half hour later. with all of this, when i told him i was going to go, he just said "i knew you would". it was the last snippy comment that just tipped things. ryan and i got there and they were sold out of tickets. hb couldn't get one for ryan or get ryan in in any way, so i worked my magic and we got in with free drink 'coupons'. when i got in, i told hb that that was the end. that i was through with him. it's how i felt and i think it was justified. he didn't seem to care which just made it that much more hurtful.

so, to conclude this tale of venting. i'm ashamed that i miss him. i do still want to see him....i'm not sure if i still like him. i think i do. i just don't like ending anything like this. he also didn't want me to mention to anyone the whole smacking thing. i think that that's what made things worse about it. with no one to say it to, all of the fear, shame, trauma just got bottled up. i finally told a friend of mine the whole story. they don't live near me and have never met him. they were the one who made me realize that part of why everything went bad after nye was because i was just storing everything away and stewing on it. normally i'm a fun person. happy most of the time. lately i've not been. now that i have it all out, i feel much better. while i don't know what will happen with hb. if i'll ever see him again. if i'll ever find out if he actually did like me. if i'll run into him in some airport traveling sometime. who knows. if i ever find out...i'll have to think about posting the info on here...

"come here sweetheart, i'm crazy 'bout your eyes, but i'm not sold on your smile..." -adaline



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