11-06-2011 - 07:07
so i cried most of my drive home this morning. windows down. music loud. just trying to suss things out. and i think i have. right now i'm sitting at home needing to do homework and yet needing to get everything out. i'm wearing my old engagement ring. i pulled it out of storage and oddly it has made me feel a little better.
i've always had a fear of commitment. and then there was tim. he was the first and last guy i was ever really with. we thought we would be together forever and i loved him more than anything...until he got back on the heroin. his addiction. his death. it hurt my soul. yes i loved him and was heart broken, but even more, my soul was crushed. i have the same feeling now. it took me a while to realize all of it, but it's the same hard to breathe feeling. when i started hanging out with ben, while it wasn't love (yes, i hate to admit it, but i did like him quite a bit) i had that feeling that he would always be around. like ryan. even when ryan is "oceans away", i feel he will always be around. maybe that's why that betrayal hurt so badly. it's the worst i've felt since tim. bruises heal fast. faster than hearts. hearts eventually heal too. i'm a bit worried that maybe once your soul is hurt that maybe it's something that doesn't heal. i just know that i have to figure out some way to fix myself this time around or at least try. there's no letting things go like with tim. the funny thing is that you'd think after all of this i'd be more afraid to let my guard down. instead, i think it's the opposite. it's like i now have to find someone to prove that most people are good. and by doing that, to prove that i can tell when i'm being used. just accept that being used is going to happen and just hope not very often. oh, and i am completely kicking myself for never connecting my fear of commitment with loss of the one person i ever did have a real commitment to. years of not ever realizing this! at least it's finally sussed out now.
i also know that yes, part of this current hurt is from ben saying all of those things to me and then seeing another girl. but the part that really hurts that hurts more than words can say is the friend part. you just don't treat friends like that. i want to be mad, but i can't be. instead i'm sad. not for me, but for ben. i don't think he's human. i think he's a poorly constructed concept. an entity that tries so hard to be liked by the majority that he doesn't really exist. what exists is just a reflection of what others want of him. what others think of him. what he thinks others think of him.
well, i've cried and cried today. cried for tim. cried for ben. cried for me. every time i think i'm out of tears, more seem to find there way. with every guy things go poorly with, it's a knock down. it hurts at the time. this time it just had to be different. well, off to homework and maybe sleep. before i do sleep, i think that i'll just focus on some good thoughts. happy thoughts. like when tim would play descendents on his guitar outside of my window...
"this is how an angel cries. blame it on my own sick pride. blame it on my a.d.d., baby..." -awolnation