14-06-2011 - 00:23
if i know people like i fear i do, then i know the reason why i haven't heard back from someone...
moving on. for the past few days i've felt like i can't handle all of this. i hate school. i can't concentrate lately. i have a level of stress that hurts my heart, makes my limbs tingle, and makes it hard to breathe. i just want to leave everything right now. just take off. go to another country. i haven't been eating much lately. i haven't been sleeping much lately. the most important semester of my life and i can't deal right now. flashes of sad. bursts of tears. i think i'm falling apart. i know i'm falling apart. if i can only get past this week ok, i'll be fine. i can get back on track. just right now i'm not sure if that's possible. if not, i'm dropping school and going to spain. susan has already qued up some dates with hot guys for me should i be so inclined. kind of like brazil. i really do wonder about my habit of dating on trips. seems to happen when i travel. oh, and i finally did delete hawaii wade from my phone. didn't realize he was still on there till the other day.
i talked to ben today. didn't want to. sent him an email. beckie thought it might help. then after some emails, he called me. i know i shouldn't have picked up, but when it comes to these things sometimes i really am a girl. things were left...well, sailing.
i can't have things quite right now. if the music stops, i start to feel ill. maybe i'll drive around a bit with the music blaring and the windows down. i have to find some way to reset. sanity=abs(reset). i hate when i don't have a clue about what to do. i hate being insecure. i hate falling apart.
i also hate fb sometimes. right now i don't. all you have to do it post that you need some cheering up and don't/can't talk about it and there's cheer. phone calls. people oceans away telling you that things will be ok. the last time i felt this lost was just before i was booted out of the programme. now i have this chance and i'm blowing it. (as nick would chime in "that's what she said").
fresh comes back from canada next week. getting out and about with him will definitely help me clear my head.
so, currently feel lost at sea. just have to make sure that i don't drown...
"it was just a dream, just a moment ago. i was up so high, lookin' down at the sky. don't let me fall. i was shooting for stars on a saturday night. they say what goes up, must come down, but don't let me fall..." -b.o.b.
