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15-06-11 - 01:57

i'm not worth 20 minutes. according to someone who claimed they cared.

while i'm not so sad today, i still feel crushed. why would i like someone who's pretty much a cheating bastard? or as beckie calls him...a whole bunch of curse words strewn together. she is rather creative.

he claims that things went awry with us because of the hb. that i could be with a guy in a friends with benefits kind of way. obviously, while i wish that were true, i did like the hb at a point in time. dland evidence locked away in the logs. so, his only excuse was something that never really existed.

he has a girlfriend now. even though he seems to want to carry on some illicit thing with me. and for some reason i still like him. i know you can't help who you like, but why do i have to like this guy? what do i see in him? i have no clue. no idea how to stop. i mean how can someone like someone else who is asking them about dating advice with the girl they picked over you? i am in a sorry sorry state when i'm at a point where i can't turn things off. i can't detach. i can't hate him. it makes me hate myself a bit that i can't hate him. but, as always. everything goes in here. the good. the bad. the boring. i want to remember this in the future. look back on it. learn from it. i fear he's just messing with me. i can figure him out for the most part, but when i get upset i just can't sort things out. why do i keep talking to him? why do i still want to hear from him? why did this all have to go down now?

i'm still in a state of panic over my school stuff. doj seems to think i'm brilliant. i keep telling him that i'm just lucky. some things make sense to me. some don't. before this week, more things made sense. this week, i think i've lost my mind. the crazy thing is that others seem to have joined me. brian hasn't even started his project and after class he invited me out for beers and volley ball with some frat boys and sorority girls. once again i declined. too much school stuff. and i'm a decade older than all of them. it was very sweet of him to offer though.

i sometimes wish that i didn't need anyone in the dating/love department. my mother frequently tells me that i should give up since i'm just going to fail. after years and years of hearing that no one would ever want to be with me, who knows, maybe some day i'll believe it. i sometimes worry that i'm getting weaker as i get older. ages ago, i used to go out and try to prove everything my mother said was wrong. the main reason i stayed in college was because she thought i should drop out. aye, me. here i go from one vent to another.

so. now to work on not liking ben. getting school work done. cleaning my apartment. going out. being happy.

"and i thought i'd live forever, but now i'm not so sure. you try to tell me that i'm clever, but that won't take me anyhow, or anywhere with you..." -lisa loeb



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