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20-06-11 - 00:59

can someone who only ever thinks about themselves ever grow up? it's not the intentionally only thinking about themselves kind of thing, but a just never crossed their mind to think of others variety.

ben doesn't understand why his girlfriend would be so hurt by his talking to me. and he doesn't understand why it's not appropriate to speak with the girl he didn't want to see for the new girl and discuss problems about the current girl with the other one. yeah. complex stuff there.

heh. when i first told my mother that there was a guy that i liked and she told me it wouldn't work out because no one would want to date me, i should have cut and run then. i guess in the future i'll make sure not to mention any guys to her again. i mean she thinks i've not dated since the ninja. i just happen to leave most things of a personal nature out of our conversations.

i saw shins show today. they were really good. got lost a tad on the way there though. (not something i will ever tell shin since he always teases me about my sense of direction already).

well, it looks like jeff and i will be going to the necto on my next friday off. the original plan was to sometime go with ben and shin. but, ben has a girlfriend and shin worries enough if i'm wearing a low cut top. i think he might panic if he saw what i wore to the club. or to be more exact, what i don't wear to the club.

so, what i'm wondering is why i keep talking to ben. it's not that i'm looking for closure. he reminds me of what i could have been. maybe i feel if i save him, i'll help myself? maybe because we have the same basic underlying problems i think it will be easier to solve in someone else then apply to myself? i don't know. what i do know is that i'm going to keep trying at life, the universe, and everything. and while things might hit some major speed bumps along the way, everything will work out.

lessons were learned. i just hope they weren't all on my side...

oh...and my mother has given me the great advice to flirt with my ta to try and get a better grade. she's always full of wonderful advice. like in high school when she told me that if i slept with guys, they would like me more. wonderful chunks of advice...

anyways, tomorrow is another day and every day is a chance for something amazing.

"and isn't it stunning, how i'm gonna fall again. and isn't it stunning, divine and fine to find myself in your binds again. hopeless to no end, and isn't it stunning, how we both know it's gonna end..." -8mm



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