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25-06-11 - 07:23

today i have to sign my new apartment lease. it's strange that i've become so comfortable here. i never really thought i'd have a place that felt like home...

so, while i've always avoided analyzing myself properly, i think it's something i should do. i mean, i understand that i'm messed up. the main reason why i don't want to ever have kids is because i know how easily you can mess them up. growing up there were so many things that messed me up. i probably care so much about my privacy because my parents used to take my door off the hinges so i would have none. i know that the fact that my mother used to threaten to "send me away" for help probably has a lot to do with me never feeling completely safe/secure (and that was all because i only had a few close friends instead of a lot of ok ones.) i know that i hold illogical guilt for so many things. my mother used to and still does tell me that the only luck i have is bad luck and that bad things are always going to happen to me. she jokes that bad things will happen to me because "god hates me". i know that the fact that i've dated a lot of guys, but slept with very few is from my lack of trust which leads back to when sp tried to rape me in cool tim's lawn...before i broke his jaw and fractured my hand. maybe that's why it makes me so angry when my trust is broken.

so, things i have to work on. or at least issues, fear of commitment, falling for people way too easily and then running away, being late for almost everything, my lack of planning things well, my general lack of motivation.

moving on...

if you keep doing what you've always done, you'll end up in the same place.

changes as of late...i'm hanging out with laura on monday. maybe i'll invite shin too since he also knows her. it's strange that i currently talk to more females now than i have over my entire life. i've never really had many female friends. i'm still learning how to behave like one. everyone laughs, but i honestly had to watch a bunch of j-dramas and sex in the city episodes to learn how to carry a purse! oh, and the next time i go out to the necto, i'm inviting shin. i figure for his first into to nectoing with me, i'll have to wear more clothing than ususal. which honestly, still won't be much...

finally, step 2 for making someone fall in love with you: lack of interest - you must romantically not want them, or at least want someone else. stay tuned tomorrow for yet another step...

"your destiny, kimi ga nozomeba. donna sekai mo sono te ni tsukameru kara. madowasarenai de darenimo kowasenai..." -tommy heavenly6



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