04-07-11 - 04:44
i need some cheering up. i know i shouldn't let it get to me. it just that usually when it's been this bad, ryan or beckie have been around.
for the first time ever, i was in the country and didn't see family on the 4th of july weekend. i just couldn't hear anything more negative from my mother right now. i haven't talked to her since saturday afternoon. didn't go out to their place yesterday. 32 phone calls that i've not returned. i think she realizes that she crossed a line again. it's just hearing all of the negative over and over again. it's hard to tune out. anyone who knows me well would know how big of a deal it is for me to not have visited family this weekend. it's the most bold statement i've made in years. sometimes you just need to hear that you matter. that people love you. that everything will be alright.
maybe that's why i sabotage relationships. maybe somewhere in my head i really believe the stuff she says. that i'm not good enough for anyone. that no one would want me. maybe that's why i find it so hard to trust people.
all i really want is for someone to really believe that those things aren't true. to stay with me and remind me of that. or maybe i really am too broken to ever be fixed.
i just really wish i didn't have to sleep alone tonight...
"he's been living in a pure illusion. she's gonna come to her own conclusion. right when you think you know what to say. someone comes along and shows you a brand new way..." -tangled