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21-01-15 - 09:49

chatted online with alan this morning. i think i've mentioned how graphic artists and engineer/programmers are the only guys who seem to be into me. well, still holds true. he's an artist/designer. he is also divorced and has a kid. while i think it would be lovely to hang out with him, dating is out of the question. it's just not right to trail a guy along for 1-3 months, get bored, and then escape when there is a kid involved.

maybe some day my modus operandi will change. everyone says that when you are in love, all of that changes. well, i've had the light version of love 3 times before. looking back, and even back then, i thought i loved the guys, but i also kind of knew that it wasn't quite the real thing. that whole feeling you are in love with someone, but yet still not feeling comfortable enough to really let them get to know you. maybe that's part of my problem. i'm good at letting my friends who care to get to know me. it's part of why i love them and would do anything for them. i could put on here all of the psychoanalysis i've done on myself over the years, but i know my faults and a lot of the reason behind them.

it is funny though. the first 'love' was kyle. we talked of living in arizona and sleeping under the stars. i knew right away that things wouldn't last long, but it was definitely an interesting go of things.

then tim. the guy i refused to date until he cut his dreads off and asked me out for the millionth time. finally accepted and he took me out to soup, coffee, and dessert at denny's on my birthday. i think the army of darkness pick up lines were what did it. doomed from the start in a sort of society romeo and juliet.

finally, the ninja. the only alpha male that i have ever dated. something i wasn't used to. i played out a persona of someone who was a lot more normal than me. and it worked for a while. almost a year. the longest i've ever dated anyone. i finally got tired and bored of playing along. i guess it really wasn't fair to do that to him in the first place, but i honestly didn't think things would get very far. so, when he started to realize how abnormal i was, things fell apart quickly.

i have finally grown up. a bit at least. i mean not enough to prevent me from playing in fountains, riding ferris wheels, and skinny dipping, but enough to have given up dating for now. i still enjoy the social engineering, but i just make a point to not date the guys. maybe a date or two just to keep my hand in the game so to say, but i always stress to them that i am not interested in seriously dating. i could however be swayed into changing my mind if i ever found a guy who was into me that was as abnormal as i am, even if in different ways, and that i actually felt comfortable with. until then, i guess i will just have to get out more with friends and escape to far off places to hook up with guys who i know can't actually get attached.

anyways, i guess i felt i should rant a bit as i was going to discuss some things with beckie today. always good to get some input from others when your brain can no longer be trusted.

"call me when you need someone to listen to you. call me when you're flirting with the edge..." -uss



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