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21-01-15 - 03:53

so, the good news is that it looks like i may have some travel plans for march. now i just need to fill in february. i would like to travel every month this year. not really running away, but rather creating something to look forward to. i really want to check out new orleans this year, but jeff has already been there. so, maybe atlanta in march? or texas for the ufc match. it's funny that i knew him for a while in michigan and didn't ever know he was into ufc. so weird that i missed that. maybe my powers of observation are slacking.

i also just saw an article online about ice hotels. maybe i can check out one of those this year. although, that's less of a friend trip and more of a date trip. i mean, i think it would be rather cold to not share a bed with someone. maybe not. plus, i guess i've shared beds with friends before.

makes me think of the first time i visited japan. i was staying at philips place. super sweet guy. i loved that he was watching out for me with the british boy i was seeing there. also, we slept in the same bed for most of the stay. me on the side facing the door, him on the side opposite. just friends. only physical contact we had the entire trip was me holding his hand to pull him through a crowd one time and him giving me a hug when i headed out the last day i stayed with him.

i also just realized something rather strange. i have probably slept with more people than i've held hands with people. well, adult males that is. girls holding onto girls hands in a crowd to not get lost or holding onto a kids hand isn't all that odd. i mean for me it is, but most people don't notice that. it's just usually such an awkward thing for me. due to the night blindness that i've had ever since i can remember, i usually do the standard blind person arm hold. put a hand on someones arm just above the elbow. or, if i know them well, loop my arm through. something i picked up from pre-lasik when i really couldn't see anything at any time.

so, i guess my most vulnerable point is being in a crowded area in the dark with multiple stairs/uneven levels. it's funny how some of my friends don't even notice now or at least it doesn't phase them if i take their arm in poor lighting conditions. i honestly don't think beckie or shinya ever noticed. actually, in vegas, jeff grabbed my hand to not separate in the crowed our last night there at the club. i'm pretty sure he didn't realize how difficult it was for me to navigate in a place like that that i wasn't familiar with. i do think he noticed how the hand holding thing seemed odd to me as he stopped after a short time.

i really feel like something good is going to happen this year. i really hope i find another job. something that pays better. i mean, my job isn't bad. it is dangerous. i do know it would be difficult to work normal people hours since i've worked nights since i was 15. nick and i discussed this the other night. how working a 'normal' job would be difficult. not worrying about having to run and/or fight someone at any given second while at work. plus, knowing more about news stories and before they even get out to the public is kind of nice. it's just that i keep getting older and the people we deal with seem to keep getting more psychotic and/or drugged up. most of my co-workers have been injured while at work. bites. lacerations. things needing ice and/or stitches. i've been pretty lucky. also, if it comes down to it, i will fight dirty. i don't care if we are on camera. if there is a chance of me getting stabbed or eye ripped out, i'm punching someone in the throat if i have to.

mood ring still seems to be not working properly. can't get it to settle on a colour...or even just a couple of colours...

i wonder how it is that i can not share things with friends, but i can post them on here. a few people i know of are aware of this site and that i used to post on here. i guess it's just that i don't want to weigh others down with my issues. even if i know that i have a lot of good friends who would listen if i ever said i needed to talk/vent.

oh, and something i probably should mention. this year for christmas my mom gave me my great grandmothers wedding ring. it's bent up so i need to get it fixed, but i find it interesting that she would give me such an item and still complain about me the entire time. i talked to beckie about it. i really do understand that my mother does love me and that the things she says to me most of the time, i can see that she wishes she could take many of them back the moment they leave her mouth. i've also worked very hard at not letting them get to me. it's what has made me so very benedict-version-of-sherlock. it also annoys me that she can still make me cry. kind of where i wish i could completely turn off the human part of me, but i know i shouldn't. then again, if she wasn't the way she was, i wouldn't be me. i likely only gained my odd level of confidence because she tore me down at every chance growing up and there was so much bad that i knew it all couldn't be right. maybe it's part of why i know. absolutely know that no matter what happens, things will turn out well for me in the end. a blind faith that everything will work out.

please excuse the long posts. i've been away for such a long time that i didn't realize there was so much to seep out of my brain.

"we pack demolition. we can't pack emotion. dynamite, we just might. so blow us a kiss. blow us a kiss. blow us a kiss and we'll blow you to pieces. we're killin' strangers. we're killin' strangers. we're killin' strangers so we don't kill the ones that we love..." -marilyn manson



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