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29-01-15 - 06:37

two part vent here...

part un - i had dinner with my grandfather last night. we go out usually either once a week or once every other week. in the past year he seems to be slipping away. i still live in a location that is not the best for me, but it's close to his home in case things happen. often times he forgets that i am not my mother. sometimes it takes some time to convince him who i am. often times he forgets that i see him. months will go by and i will have visited him over a dozen times and he will talk to my mother on the phone and say that the last time he saw me was months prior when in reality is may have been 2 or 3 days.

he now has upper and lower dentures. says he can't eat most food items, but then seems to have no problem with items that should be difficult. i think it's a mental block due to his anger about having to have them. his balance has also become quite bad in the past few months. he's fallen several times. i always find out a day or two after the fact. broken ribs. stitches in his head.

he's also always been very old school. until last year, he would have scolded me if i opened a door for myself in his presence. a gentleman always opens a door for a lady. now he physically has difficulty opening doors, so i always get to them first and open them for him. until just a couple of months ago, he would always drive if we went out to dinner. even if his driving was poor and i feared death on every excursion. then towards the end of november, he let me start driving us. i could tell that he needed an excuse, so i brought up the fact that my car is smaller than his and can better fit into tiny parking spaces.

i worry that since he lives alone, one of these days he's going to fall and stike his head or something. fall, not be able to call for help, and go into a coma due to not taking his insulin while lying on the floor in pain. this thought worries me frequently.

part deux - my sister and her family are likely to bleed my parents dry. i am the eldest. i'm not male, but as my parents have no sons, i am the one who will have to take care of them when they get older. i've already had conversations with them, mainly with my father and they have told me that they do not expect/can not expect my sister and her family to be able to help them in any way in the future. it worries me that i don't make enough to support myself + them + any other family members should it come down to that. maybe i really will have to marry eventually and hope that the guy i end up with makes more than me.

my sister and her family are moving back with my parents for a bit. they are trying to sell their house that they can't afford even with my parents help. my sisters husband has maxed out two credit cards before my sister found out. guess she was at a fast food restaurant when the cards were declined. she make him leave work and bring cash to pay for things. it angers me that he did this without her knowing. that he did this and that she never cared enough to pay attention to their finances when this has happened before on a lesser scale. that knowing even now that they don't have the money for things, they go out all of the time for food they can't afford. they buy things all of the time they don't need and/or can't afford. sweets for the kids. wine for her. the fact that she has her nails done all of the time. even though she says it's less than 20 usd, it's money they don't have for something they don't need. i like pretty polished nails as much as the next girly (looking, not acting) girl, but i a) have the money to support pretty nails and b) paint them myself. it's a lot cheaper, and honestly, i can do just as good of a job with regular polish as a budget salon...and i don't have to worry about cleanliness or contamination.

i get bits of the conversation and build the whole picture. my sister might mention that my parents bought/paid for something small. i hear from my mom about them paying for something medium. my dad? he's fairly honest with me. if i ask, he would tell me. he volunteers most information though. they pay for what i would estimate is almost 70% of my sister and her families lifestyle. i also found out that my grandfather gave my sister several grand to 'help her out' that my parents don't know about. all while i have been helping out my grandfather a tiny bit.

i think part of why i like to be bluntly honest about things is due to all of the secrecy i grew up with and currently endure with my family. fortunately, or unfortunately, i seem to be the one who has the most information on all things family. people confide in me. people accidently tell me things or intentionally tell me things because they have to vent and know that i won't tell unless i have to. it angers me to no end though that my sister doesn't own up to the fact that her life would not exist if my parents didn't fund it. that she doesn't show more respect for their support. getting her nails done with what little money she has while my parents pay for her groceries?!? i love my sister. i really do. i always will. i am just hurt by her lack of respect towards our parents.

my grandmother also has a bit of a better picture of the family. i honestly don't know what i would do without her at family gatherings. she stands up for me when i know my father would like to, but doesn't know what to say. she tells me that she is aware of how disrespectful my sister is towards the family and how much she is aware that i always look out for everyone. when my mother rants about how i am single and no one would ever want me? my grandmother will step in and say that i am too smart to settle with someone who is not my equal. when my mother made me prepare most of the christmas dinner and then complain about how everything was cooked? my grandmother stepped in and said that everything tasted good. the only thing i messed up for the meal was the roast. i've never cooked a roast that large before and my mother didn't tell me how much the roast weighed. i had to guess. she gave me express instructions on how long to cook things. i did so exactly. it ended up a little more done that some of my family likes. my mother brought it up every 15 minutes for the entire day until my grandmother started changing the subject every time she said something.

i know it is selfish, but in the back of my mind, i sometimes wish i could run away from everything. from responsibility. from family drama. i know i never will, but i do like to entertain the thought sometimes.

what i do know is that my grandfathers health both physically and mentally can only go downhill from here. my sister never learned responsibility and likely never will. she is a great mother to her kids in terms of interaction, love, and attention, but in providing and securing their well being? not so much. i guess i'll just sit back and see what the future holds...

"they wanna blow down the prison. they're lighting fires with the cash of the masses. and like the dough, i don't fall down. i'm so detroit i make it rise from the ashes." -jack white



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