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11-03-15 - 23:59

thinking, thinking, thinking. midnight musings.

i don't take what the psychic said too seriously, but she did mention two things that have stuck with me. one about my energy and the other about physical contact.

i have always had weird energy. i can drain radio batteries at work and go through 3 in a night if i'm tired. i have to change my watch batteries every 8-12 months. i used to zap and kill dvd players and answering machines. ryan wouldn't let me directly touch ours when we lived together after i killed two in a week. our apartment was set up so we had to walk through the living room to turn on the light and while still dark, both times we could see the blue bolt shoot out of my finger tip into the answering machine before it turned from a working device to a smouldering hunk of plastic. also, the best compliment i think i ever received was from iminous at that hostle in wales. he even wrote it in my black travel book. described me as 'electric'. guess it's good and bad...

physical contact...well, part of that i blame on being half japanese. part of it i blame on growing up in a family where my sister was my mothers favourite and i was my fathers. my father worked nights, so we didn't see him much growing up. so now i have limited physical contact with people. people i love, like, etc. aside from work where my main contact with people is shaking hands with someone after taking their accident report or physically managing a combative drunk, i don't have physical contact with people. every once and a while friends hug me and i pretend it's not weird.

this makes me think that maybe i would like to find someone who i wouldn't feel weird with. someone who i would want to have contact with. the only guy i've ever dated that things felt normal with was kyle. i wouldn't sleep on my side of the bed and have him sleep on the other. we weren't into pda, but i didn't mind that he would touch my hair or the side of my face. i would walk with my arm around his. he's also the only guy i've ever dated that rated a me first and the gimmie gimmies version of the 'nobody does it better' scale. i still think that if i ever find someone who rates a radiohead on that scale, that it would have to mean love.

a hopeless romantic. an unconventional hopeless romantic. emphasis on hopeless. i sometimes wonder if i like the idea of being with someone eventually more than i would actually enjoy it. plus, how could i find someone who would put up with me that i could put up with? i'm still holding out on finding someone who likes even half of the same music as me. since i don't think i would know if i was in love with someone, really in love with someone, i've made this my set point.

i also never really thought of it before, but cupcake made a comment about it and it popped into my mind tonight. the fact that little things make me happy. that i'm easily pleased. i wonder if this is a good or bad thing...

sedona and the psychic also made me think about the palm reader in new york. maybe i need to travel more to meet someone. she knew i wasn't with liam as in dating when we went. the psychic didn't think i was with cupcake either. i should look back and read what i put here back then. the whole meeting someone who was not from where i was from. how noting would happen romantically until after they moved away and that they would come back. for a short time i half wondered if it was maybe shin, but after years of being friends, we got drunk the last time we saw each other before he moved away and ended up making out in his car. who knows...

one of the few things i do know right now is that i either need to replace people in my activities or date someone. for years i didn't need to have a boyfriend. i'd see movies and go out with beckie. shin and i would go out to dinner with a fancy dinner about once a month. we'd also go to the cooking class every other sunday. pretty much everything aside from sex was fulfilled and likely in a much better manner.


"take that look from off your face. you ain't ever gonna burn my heart out..." -oasis



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