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13-03-15 - 01:19

it's very therapeutic being back here. venting. rambling. thinking.

my mind has been everywhere lately. worried about my grandfathers health. my fathers health. both have taken a huge dive in the past year. the fact that my father made me memorize the combination to his safe worries me. no one else has it. not even my mother. even with a change of diet, he's still at stage 3 kidney disease.

my sister and her family moved back with my parents. i guess they think they will have an easy time selling their house and then they can move to toledo. i worry that later in life, i will get stuck somehow bailing them out of financial difficulty. i worry about being able to support myself and everyone else.

i'm looking for a new job. somewhere. anywhere. i sometimes wonder if i should just shirk all of my responsibilities and just live completely for myself for once. i know i won't ever do that, but the thought is there.

i am thinking of running away to italy for 2 weeks in october. i seem to either have a drink or two at the bar or leave the country for my birthday. i never post online about it. i don't tell people about it. i don't know why i get excited for other peoples birthdays but not my own.

i was also thinking about my current life. i've been alone for so long. maybe i don't want to be with someone. maybe i just forgot how. i always avoid boyfriends. last one i had was the korean almost 3 years ago now. i played my part for a few months. but it's only fun to play a part for so long. then i get bored. he broke up with me after i drifted away and didn't meet up with him for a couple of weeks. after him, there was the engineer. we didn't date. it was more...educational. i took him on as a student of sorts. then rin in kyoto. i stayed with him for my birthday trip about 2 years ago. i'd probably meet up with him for any future trips to kyoto as well if we're both single. this followed by jon in costa rica. the last time i dated someone seriously was probably jobe. part of why that worked is because i knew he was leaving for grad school at the end of summer.

but i digress...

anyways, my dreams have returned to normal. nothing really changed unless it did and i didn't realize it. in the past the bad dreams in succession have always led to something happening. good or bad. this is the first time that nothing happened and they returned to 'normal'. maybe something happened and i missed it. they stopped in arizona. then again all sorts of odd things happened in arizona. in the sun but not really getting burned. spitting up blood. actually sleeping on an airplane! i mean, me sleeping on a plane. i have always been able to sleep just about anywhere but on a plane!!! then i come back and i'd rather stay in then go out with joe tonight. maybe something really did happen...

"i was standing. you were there. two worlds collided and they could never tear us apart..." -paloma faith



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