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17-03-15 - 05:01

looks like i might have a new zealand lead. i met up with my sisters friend tonight for the first time. i've never had my sister want me to meet a friend of her let alone ask for me to show him around the area (he just moved to michigan not long ago). with a plea like that out of the blue, i had to agree. seems like a nice guy. loves drinking and traveling, so i'm sure we will get along. his best friend lives in nz, so maybe i will get a chance to head out there and not travel alone after all.

so, i did find out that i may not have had a food sensitivity issue in arizona after all. it could have been something as simple as bones cutting my stomach or esophagus causing the bleeding. either way, things weren't that bad. i guess my paranoia and fear of eventually not being able to eat anything just clouds my mind sometimes. my fears can influence how my doctor sees things as well since i'm not one to usually jump to conclusions.

continuing with the whole heap of sunshine, my grandfather had surgery to remove some major skin cancer the other day. i didn't find this out until the day after it happened. i think i found out before my mother did. my grandfather doesn't like to worry me and is concerned about being a burden. it's difficult to try and convince him that he's not a burden. it's just getting so difficult and sad when i see him. he often forgets i'm not my mother. he usually calls me by her name. sometimes he wonders why he hasn't heard from my daughter (me) and will tell me stories about me as a kid and my brother (my uncle). or when he does know who i am, he will sometimes tell my mother that he hasn't seen me in months...even when i'd taken him out to dinner just two days before. he is the reason i still live where i do. depending on the lights, i'm 12-15 minutes away from his place. too far for when he's done things like double dosing his insulin, but close enough for most situations he finds himself in. he's also been put on a walker for the first time in his life, so he doesn't want to see me right now. i think it's a tad bit of shame which he shouldn't feel, but i can only respect his wishes for so long. i think i'll just 'accidentally' be in his neighbourhood this weekend and stop by.

my life is a happy mess. i dislike my job most of the time, only because we're short staffed and it makes things crazy busy and extremely dangerous. i also work a job where nothing is boring or mundane. it's much more active than sitting in a cubicle. i live alone. i like my alone time. i can saunter around my apartment in a tank top and skivvies and there's no one to judge me. my only worry when i travel is if something will happen to family when i'm away or if my plants will be ok. am i really this happy? or have i settled? my mother always tells me that i will never find someone who likes me as i am. so maybe that's why i don't even try? then again, my mother always tells me that bad things happen to me because god doesn't love me, so i guess i should keep ignoring her negativity.

ah. deep breath in. slow release. reflection on my life. now to wrap this up and finish cleaning my apartment...

"i need something else, would someone please just give me, hit me, knock me out and let me go back to sleep..." -the used



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