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06-05-15 - 13:13

i'm currently on day 3 of little to no sleep. day one was my fault. i ended up watching season 1 of daredevil on netflix and then working. day 2 i got an hour of sleep. then one of my credit card companies called. fraudulent activity on my card that had to be sorted, then work. now my eyes burn. i feel awful. i want to sleep, but i just can't.

it's not often i feel like crying. i mean, i cry a bit all of the time from laughing until i can barely breathe, but sad crying? not really my thing. the only reason i could really use a boyfriend for right now is that i know if i had someone like that over, i wouldn't cry. not that i wouldn't feel like it, but the whole not crying in front of people thing.

my grandfathers physical and mental health have greatly decline in the past two weeks. his doctor was worried enough to even call my mom and uncle. what's making me want to cry? i might just have to sacrifice myself to keep him safe. if he has to be taken to court to have someone become his power of attorney, he will never talk to that person again. i don't think my mother or uncle can do this. so, i might have to. my uncle and aunt have already said they would take him in. they have a large house. i really think he would like it and be safe. or at least safer. no one is stepping up, so today i said that if it comes to that, i'll do it. it's just hard to think that if this happens, he likely won't ever see me or talk to me until he does pass away. we will know more on the 13th at his doctors appointment.

why do i hate crying? sad crying at least? it accomplishes nothing. nothing good. eyes poof. nose stuffs up. you feel awful. i hate when logic gets mucked up by uncontrolled emotion. logically, crying will not fix the problem. crying will not make you feel better. crying will not calm others involved. and yet, i can't stop right now. i'm blaming it in my head on the lack of sleep, but i know that even fully rested i would still have tears pouring down right now.

gah. i feel awful now. worse than before i started crying.

i guess on more distracting topics, i still haven't decided where i'm going for my may trip and the time frame is creeping up quite quickly. i have a week to sort things out.

also, on a more cheerful note, i ended up at a crazy and fun jamaican-african restaurant/club this past friday. the food was amazing. drinks were pricy but strong. the music was glorious. it was funny that tanya cautiously asked if i was ok going there. i didn't realize until after dinner and about an hour into dancing that she was asking because aside from me, there was only one other non-black patron there. i was the token half-asian who looks white and then there was a token white guy there. it was sweet that she was concerned though. then there was the kid who was hitting on me all night. i mean, there were three guys who were hitting on me, but one who followed me out. oneil was talking with him and tanya told me just to sneak away to my car and they would wait until i was locked in and in motion before they went to their car. nice kid, but i have no interest in someone who is 23.

i need to sleep. i want to sleep. maybe i'll blend myself up a smoothie and give it a go in a little bit here...

"you're building it up, they're breaking it down. want to give up, keep holding your ground. you're turning it up, they're deaf to the sound. oh the sound, the sound of change..." -the dirty heads



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