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01-06-2015 - 04:23

i just finished watching the series 'love forward'. t-drama. a twist with a twist with a twist. a love drama. i only watch asian love dramas. not sure why i've never been into any american ones. maybe because of the unhappiness but everything works out in the end in the asian dramas. too much goes right or wrong in american ones. there are always characters in both though where there's the whole 'true love'. where someone would do anything for the one they love. even when i've said i loved someone. i've never been like that. i sometimes wonder if i'm broken. i do better on my own. dating makes me unhappy. boyfriends make me unhappy. the thought of being married seems like a cage to me. i feel like this, but i always have this odd hope that maybe someday i will meet someone who changes this. maybe i'm fated to be like this? maybe i'm fated to become 'normal'.

what i do need is a travel companion. i had hoped that cupcake would accompany me to italy in october, but that plan won't work out. i still want to go to italy, but i also kind of want to go to jordan or morocco. brandon is sweet. he thinks that while most females shouldn't travel to jordan or morocco solo, that i could do just fine. he was there with the military, so having an opinion of someone who has actually been there is nice.

i did go out on a 'date' the other day. an engineer. of course. he was just starting a new job as a lead engineer for a company after being an instructor for some time for civil engineering at a local university. liked jazz. comfortable to talk to. but he didn't drink. not at all. didn't eat seafood. it was an interesting date though. we went to a jazz bar. similar tastes in music. not drinks of course. then a guy there came up to us and told him how lucky he was to be out with such a good looking girl like me. flattering, but i don't understand why weird things always happen around me.

why is the drinking thing so important to me? i'm really not an alcoholic or anything. it's just that if i can't love someone, i would at least like to love something with someone. one of my loves? weeknight at a jazz club. live music with a strong drink. it's a package deal. part of the vibe. can you enjoy jazz without a drink? and i'm not talking about getting drunk, but a 1-2 drink outing of maybe 2-3 hours. most old school jazz was made while the musicians were drinking. originally played in front of clubs of drinking patrons. it's just a feel.

some of my other loves:
fancy dinner. i'm not the kind of girl that goes out for dinner that often. when i do, it's not too often an expensive dinner. i love dressing up every once and a while though and having an expensive and delicious dinner with a bottle of wine. that's what i miss most about shin. our dinners. because of his work, we'd often have to cancel or move to a much later hour, but when we had our dinners, it was love. not that i loved him. i loved the moment. i loved that he enjoyed the moment as much as me.

late night outdoor cafes. i've collected some great moments with friends, houseboys, and whatnot talking late at night at an outdoor cafe. something i miss from thailand and japan. cheap drinks. cheap food. good conversation.

in other news, i'm finally i think for the most part over the fact that i've been helping my grandfather a bit financially and finding out that he's given over $28k to my sister and her family in the past year and a half. she still doesn't know that i know. i just have to let it go. i was getting annoyed that she has been back in michigan for so long but has only visited my grandfather once since she's been back and it's an hour and 15 minute drive, but i can't let things out of my control upset me. i'll also probably call my grandfather later today and see if he is interested in going out for dinner on my next day off.

once again, the longer i'm away, the longer my posts, but it's refreshing. musings, ponderings, ventings.

"sometimes you gotta bleed to know that you're alive and have a soul, but sometimes it takes someone to come around to show you how..." twenty one pilots



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