18-12-2015 - 12:07
So many things have and have not taken place since my last post.
first off. more about my italy trip. i know i've mentioned it many times before that i love michigan, but i've never felt like home here. i mean, i love my apartment. i love living alone in my apartment. i love the seasons. i love being close to family when i am needed. it has never felt like home. i have only felt a true feeling of home three times now. two of them in japan and now once in venice. a land where everyone thinks i'm either portuguese, russian, or part italian...none of which i actually am. it's that weird feeling though. a flutter in your chest. that feeling of home. it's difficult to explain as most people have stayed at places that they felt like home for most of their lives. not really places they have visited on holiday.
i did have an online 'relationship'. did. met a guy online. he never asked me out, but wanted my number, email, etc. messaged me quite a bit. didn't message him back for about a week after my car accident (i'll update that next) and he kinda flipped out. wanted closure and whatnot. i told him i was in a car accident and had been a tad distracted that week. he got mad that i didn't message him during this time. told him not to contact me again. then blocked him after a few messages that he sent that i didn't even read. closure? we didn't even meet or talk in person! i have to time for a guy who is so needy. if i ever do date again, it's going to be a guy who will actually play the guy in the relationship 'cause i'm getting sick of that role every. single. time.
the car accident. i was driving to work and stopped on the road in traffic. guy hit the back end of my car going quite fast. i ended up in the ER with severe whiplash and my car ended up with 2k worth of damages. guy also took off. a lovely hit and run. my poor car gets fixed on monday and tuesday. i'll be without a car for those days.
good news though, beckie is coming out and we will be celebrating the new year together. we're not sure of what we are doing, but it shall be fun either way. also, this takes place right after i get back from vegas. arizona and i will be popping out there for a few days. i really need a change of space, so this is perfect as well. i do need to remember to bring more normal pajamas. i'm still learning what's appropriate for different people in different situations. in hotels, i tend to sleep in yukata or slips. slips are not appropriate when hoteling with a male friend. yukata i believe are not normal as well due to his comments last time. maybe i shall have to ask my co-workers what is normal. still learning human things after all of these years...
so, i do need to vent. i start this with the fact that i do love my sister. i love her, but she makes me mad sometimes. first off, i know that my parents paid off at least 8k of her credit card bills. (wasn't enough that they paid off her over 50k of student loans already). my grandfather also gave her between 18 and 28k. as her credit and the credit of her husband are so awful, they couldn't get a loan to buy a house. my parents have loaned her 32k and my grandfather has loaned her 100k. these are loans i don't think she will ever be able to pay back. so, she gets a house with no interest having to be paid. i do understand that i am jealous. if i were to buy a house, me who has been responsible all of my life, i would have to take out a loan and pay interest. i would not get interest free loans from family. they couldn't afford it now even if they wanted to. i am mainly mad though because my mother had to tell my sister that she had to visit my grandfather more because of the loan. she had to be told to do this. she has implied to her friends that she and her husband were able to get the house on their own. her husband has yet to thank anyone in the family for their help. they moved in two weeks ago. it's been over a month. seems rude not to thank anyone for the free money before the loans or the loans.
anyway. right now i'm really giving thought into my egypt trip. it's a lot of money for me. it's a lot of money for a lot of people. is it safe? should i go? shall i continue with my solo traveling? i have a very short time to put in my down payment on the trip. i must decide by the end of this weekend.
i have given some very serious thought about many things lately. i put in a job application online for something that i think i would be very good at. i have a very slim chance to get it, but figured i had to try. if i get it, i would have to move. i also wonder if i should stay in the states. maybe i should move to japan. bring things full circle. it's so odd that i love being single, but also love the idea of finally meeting someone who would make me care about them in a dating relationship. while i love who i am, i do sometimes wonder what it would be like to be more normal. then i think of less serious things like buying myself a baby cactus.
i do wish i could meet someone who would make me feel like the feeling i get from 'home' or certain songs. it's that amazing feeling where, even for a moment, everything is all right. even when i thought i was in love in the past, i knew i wasn't. i even tried so very hard to hold onto that feeling in hopes that it would change into that. i wonder how many people are like me and just don't admit it. i wonder if i'll ever meet someone who will make me human. i wonder if i'll be able to sleep today as i have to work tonight. i wonder why my brain is always so random.
i will make more of an effort to keep up on here. i sometimes like reading about my past self.
"these friends of mine will come and go. i'm the first to leave and last to know. i'll be swimming in a face of flames, for these friends of mine i've overpaid. and i guess i wanted, i guess i wanted, i just want you to know..." -awolnation