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29-07-16 - 05:23

i've been watching shokugeki and orange as of late. orange is about regrets. and preventing them. i've never really been much of one to regret things. there have been a few however, i'd much rather regret doing something than not doing something.

one of my few regrets was actually shawn. only the third guy i've ever liked right off. from the moment i met him. austin would be the first. i dated him and that ended and we are still friends. after that would be ben. we dated. it ended poorly. we had nothing in common at the start. even less at the end. when i met shawn, nate kept teasing me about him. i think it was pretty obvious that i liked him. thought maybe he liked me. which is odd as i'm usually completely clueless when it comes to this. the first comic con where we met, nothing happened. one of my few regrets was not that nothing happened, but that i didn't say something. a complete lack of confession. i partially said that it was because of nate, but i guess it was also part because for once, i feared rejection. no one likes rejection, but i've not really been one to fear it. not that it would have changed things, but i wonder what would have happened.

that all being said, i do like shawn. maybe i shouldn't have hooked up with him this year at comic con. maybe it wasn't a good idea to finally follow through on things. how does one top that? to finally find someone that i like and i know could change my mind on dating, but to have them far away and not know of their interest in me. i spill my heart out here because in real life, i have no visible emotions like this. my mind contains emotions, but my actions contain logic. i like logic. this all swims through my head because it's such a lack of logic. but hey, eventually i'll have a happily ever after...a psychic once told me so...

tonight, tonight, tonight. my neck hurts. too much looking up and seeking shooting stars. i only saw two. my ankle still hurts. forgot to mention that i may have done some serious damage to it last month. i'm really wondering if i caused a minor fracture. right now my neck hurts more than my ankle though.

so, my story for thursday into friday. it was dan's birthday, so we all met up at pr's place in troy. food. drinks. cake. then...patrick in jest challenges people to jump in the pool...without swim suits. me being me, i have to up the challenge. next thing you know, i'm swimming after midnight in a pool in a slip, patrick is swimming in his suit pants, ashley is in her sparkly skivvies, and a few people had swim suits. afterward i ended up driving home with a wet slip on the floor of my car, in my dress with wet hair, music on, windows down, driving the 'scenic' route by the lake. it was a great moment of zen. it's been a while since i've had such random crazy carefree fun. my friends have been so serious lately. this was nice. i needed it.

i'm not looking forward to working this weekend. at least it will be entertaining with josh trying to set me up with the new kid. i say kid because he's maybe 23. no interest, but it's fun to watch. have to avoid getting maimed too. a little over a month ago i ended up getting my face busted open at work. chin mucked up. lip split in a cross. i super glued it, but it healed with a weird bump. i may have to file it down like i did with my chin. that healed properly afterwards. it's not something anyone else would notice, but i do.

right now i've let go of my anger. let go of my sadness. let go of my apprehension. let go of what might not happen. i'm in a weird place at this moment, but i feel like anything is possible. anything. maybe this is the time to find another job in another land. anyways...

"i got all i need. no, i ain't got cash. i ain't got cash. but i got you baby..." -sia



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