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04-08-16 - 09:21

i'm weird. i never set alarm clocks on even numbers or numbers ending in a 5. no idea why i do this...but i do.

jakes birthday is this weekend. it's starting to look like more of a couples event. drinking in ann arbor. maybe i'll need to bring a friend.

i know it's way off, but i think that i might have to buy myself that bruce lee action figure (if ever there was a figure of action) that i was in love with at the comic con for my birthday. i like to buy weird gifts for myself. things i love that no one else would buy for me.

i've had a song stuck in my head all night. it's spilling into the day. i've seriously listened to it multiple times tonight. multiple multiple.

thinking of visiting beckie in the near future. trying to get the time off. i miss her and ryan. i know that with ryan it's just a growing up and apart. i think it's just difficult for him in his new life not being held back by someone who knew him before. and i'd never want to hold him back. beckie on the other hand, well we met much further on into life. i can tell her things and know that even if she is going to judge me, it will be a fair and well thought out judgement. same with most of my co-workers. maybe working where i do is what corrupted my filter on life...

patrick says that he's going to teach me how to deal poker. i might end up being dealer for an upcoming formal wear game at a cigar bar in the ro. think i might be the only female though. it would be nice to learn about poker though. jake was telling me some about it tonight at work. i normally just play video poker and hit buttons until cash comes out. surprisingly it works fairly well for me.

right now i'm drinking a fantastic cannonau di sardegna on an empty stomach contemplating making some miso soup or stovetop stuffing. i'm super classy this morning.

i need to not like shawn. i'm not used to not being direct with guys i like, but in this case, there's no possibilities. i really wish there were though. i mean seriously. someone who wouldn't mind my artwork on the walls. my action figures. he did martial arts and drinks scotch. how much more perfect could someone get. plus he's part asian and cute. people like this are why i know i can't just settle. also, hooking up with him was weird but not. not like with the asian model/lawyer. that was like a conquest but not. i really did like him at the time. with shawn, we were in my room at the condo we were renting in sd. sitting on my bed trying to stay awake after drinks at the halycon. he leaned over and while i'm pretty sure he was about to kiss me, i kissed him. then the 'real action'. makes me wonder if i just took advantage of him because we were both drunk. good thing it wasn't college or we'd have been in that 'grey area' that they warn kids about. i'm not complaining, i was and am all for it. i just hope he doesn't regret things. as i've always said, i'd much rather regret something i've done than something i didn't do. no regrets here though. at least not on my end.

i'm slightly drunk. i just remembered that i have to pick some basil for spencer sometime before work and bring it in. i listen to that song for the millionth time in a row (only slightly exaggerated).

i miss pouring out my randoms on here. it's always interesting to read up on ages later. i really ought to keep up on here more...

oh. i'm becoming media friends with a department co-worker. he kind of reminds me of troy. not the one i dated, but rather the married one with a kid. some of his sms's are borderline inappropriate, but it's all in a harmless effect. it's a weird situation. just have to make sure not to get anyone in any trouble over late night sleep deprived messages. i do always make sure to keep mine kosher...

oh. forgot to mention that marco introduced me to the wonder of cuban coffee. cuban coffee that i can make in my moka pot! pretty damn glorious.

i definitely know i'm drunk now. i'm talking/thinking to myself in a mix of english/japanese/french. it's been a while since i've done that!

this post will be long and random. more random than usual. there's just so much floating about in my head...and that was prior to the drink.

i'm a post-work light weight. one glass of wine and i'm under it's spell already.

so, what else should i cover? i don't think i mentioned my walled lake friend. joe introduced us even though damien new both of us and mentioned that he thought we would get along well. she's a super sweet girl that i love hanging out with. deep down (and actually kind of superficial) i really hope that she and joe date again. i guess they did way before i met either of them. i think they are all kinds of perfect for each other. i just wish they knew this.

i'm putting serious thought into escaping my current everything. it's going to take more escape velocity than leaving brooklyn, but i think i can do it. the ties that bind are wearing thin. i need a change of scenery. i love my family, but i can't just stay here for them. it's just hard. how did i end up being the one holding so much together? why do things fall on me? if my uncle can just take off, i can do this too. i can, can't i?

i feel like i can see things more clearly in my haze of wine. or maybe it's just that i'm more able to admit to myself truths that i'm avoiding. i'm definitely going to look back on this post and wonder when my mind checked out. i'm fine with that. it's kind of like a lucid posting experience. maybe more people would be happier if they did things like this. sometimes you just need to get every little random out without a filter. i hope i never get to a point in life where i'm afraid to pour out my everything. i hope i'm never again afraid to admit things to myself that i already know.

anyways...i'm at a level of zen right now. it's been a while...

"spoke a lot of words. don't know if i spoke the truth. got so much to lose, got so much to prove. god don't let me lose my mind. trouble on my left, trouble on my right, i've been facing trouble almost all my life. my sweet love, won't you pull me through?" -cage the elephant



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