28-03-2006 - 05:27
dammit. i thought i was fine. everything was going well. maybe i've just been too busy to think lately.
right now i really want to see the ninja. i really want to talk to him. i really wish we were back together. i'm wondering if he misses me at all. i wonder if he's just so hung up on lucy that i was never really there at all. i was perfectly fine until about 10 minutes ago. i've never missed someone like this before. why can't i just let him go? why do i still want to see him? there's a million reasons. i wish i could see him in person and talk about some of it. why is it i that i miss so much about him? little things. big things. i'm not sad. just frusturated. i wonder things like why did us being together have to have so much planning for him? why didn't he ever want to just drive around? play in a fountain? sit outside all night in a sleeping bag? why was it there was so much good? the time he bought me a dozen roses. getting sake and sushi in ann arbor. holding hands walking in the dark. i liked that he would call me when he had an anxiety attack. when he told me he really missed me and meant it. things like him calling me to tell me that he woke up and i wasn't there, he missed me and had to talk to me. when i had the crying break down being upset about my grandmother, family, school, etc...and he borrowed a car to come out and visit me for just two hours before he had to be at work. when he called on the new year. just really sweet on the phone. and after talking, every time i said i was going to let him go, he kept asking me to stay on the phone a bit longer. and how much he missed me and such. we stayed on the phone until he fell asleep and then i hung up. him driving that scooter across town to buy groceries to make breakfast in bed for me. buying me the mr. and mrs. smith dvd after i ranted about how i was going to need to buy it. (yeah, liked it since the time i saw it in the theatre). him buying bran new sheets so that i could stay the night and not be all allergic to his dog (which likes to sleep at the foot of the bed). going out of the way to call me and make sure i was up for things. there's a million reasons why i miss him. i think of more every day. so, i'm moving on in the way of still living...but i just wish he was along for the journey.
at least it seems like i've been getting closer to a lot more people post-ninja. seems kind of strange. even people that i knew...just not well. like andy and the two daves, brian, and some others...
and...i also have a ton of peeps. various colours of sugar coated marshmallow fun...
"...ai wo motto, ai wo motto..." -the pillows