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04-01-2002 - 18:40

i am terribly unhappy today.

my father is the hospital again, but only for an overnight stay.

my mother has once again decided to tell everyone (on the phone while i'm standing right there) that i am useless.

i have actually been cleaning for a good part of the day. pausing for only basic survival needs such as eatting. i hate this. i clean all day and pause for only 15 min. (after she got home)to cook myself some dinner and eat it. i then set my dishes in the sink and went to the fridge to get something to drink. during this less than 2 min time, my mother threw a fit about how i never do anything and how i can't even do my own dishes. grrrrrrr....

i need a career job. i need to get out of here. i need to get a place of my own and take all of my stuff, and find happiness.

currently, my parents have declaired that i can not go to any clubs, pubs, or bars. i am 22 years old, and have never had these restrictions before...not even in high school. i'm not allowed to go to clubs, gay or straight due to the fact that my father says that if i go, i'm going to get killed. i can no go to pubs/bars, because i will be around people who drink. i am no longer allowed to drink. i'm not talking about coming home at odd hours drunk drinking, but i am not allowed to even share a bottle of champagne with a good friend while watching t.v. my parent's have commented to eachother when they think i'm not around that i drink too much. drink too much?!? i hardly drink at all. and my parents enrolled me in a wine of the month club back in october for my birthday. if they were that against me drinking, they should have decided this little rule long ago.

it is the 4th today...since the new year, i have only been allowed out of the house twice. once for groceries for my parents, and once for going to the wedding photographer with my sister and her fiance.

things here are making me very frustrated and angry. the other day my mother said that i could look good if only i tried. what the hell? so, according to her i don't look good now. it makes me think of back in high school when i found out i was graduating with only honors instead of highest mother then said to me that "you are supposed to be the smart one. your sister is the pretty one, you're supposed to be the smart one."

i think i'm losing my sanity here. the good thing about all of this, is the fact that it is all fuel. fuel to help me once again reach escape velocity and get the hell out of here. all i can say is soon...

"and it seems kinda hard thinking like i am. seems like it's started again, oh no, i better get my head between these knees just as fast as i can. seems like a comfortable end. and i want to be happy again..." -longpigs



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