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11-06-2002 - 02:00

i'm nearing 100 entries, so i think i'm about due for some self-analysis.

ok. here's the outline.

1. my thoughts about myself.

2. my social life.

3. my family life.

4. my love life...or lack there of.

1. i definitly have many issues. when i was little, my mother used to threaten me with "sending me away". not away for ever, but just to a psych ward. i have never lived up to my parents expectations. so, i have some insecurities. i think part of the reason why i do not have tons of friends is because i am insecure about people leaving me. i think this also affects my dating life quite a bit. commitment issuse and such, and not putting proper effort into things that are not a sure bet. the odd thing is that i am secure about how i look, act, dress, etc. i think i am unconventionally good looking. i'm not good looking in any sort of "classical" sense, but i think i have a decent attractive quality. i think that while i may not act "normal", that i do act normal in my own sort of way. i also think that i dress well. once again, not quite normally, but not bad. so, i guess i am secure in myself, but not my relations with others.

so, with my insecurity with relations with others...when i was younger, my parents used to tell me that i would never be popular and that i would never have many friends because of "how i was". this is true. i am not popular, and i do not have many friends, but i am actually ok with this. my friends that i do have are amazing. one thing is that i'm not worried about losing them. (hence, no insecurity)

and this probably makes no sense what so ever, but my mother has been talking to me, so i need to attempt to put things into perspective....and vent.

my mother keeps telling me that no one would ever want to date me, and that that's why shaun isn't interested. she thinks i should sleep with guys i start dating right off so that i can "keep them interested". parent's aren't supposed to tell these things to their kids! well, this is not something i am going to do. so, as of yet, i have not had sex...with anyone. i have a hard enough time attempting to date people for longer than a month or so, that i personally think that sex would complicate things even more.

to further explain my state, i'd also have to include that fact that my parents frequently tell me that i am worthless. that and the fact that i will never amount to anything. never.

what are some other things that may have added to my issues? let's see...

my mother and father seem to take out a little bit of all their problems on me. my parent's are slightly unhappy that i'm not married already, and are very unhappy that i've told them i will not likely spawn them any grandchildren. my parent's dislike everyone i date, but tend to like them after i am no longer dating them.

...and, lately i haven't much time for a social life. i've been working 8 and 10 day work weeks from all odd hours, and now i am working from 2pm/2.5pm to 10pm/10.5pm. then i come home and do a whole lot of nothing, sleep in till just before i have to leave for work. do i do this to avoid actually having a social life? i'm not sure. i keep telling myself that i want a social life...that i want to do things, but i've yet to change my patterns to accomadate (spelled right?) a social life.

well, i have so many issues and mussed up things that i think i ought to stop analyzing things. i don't know if i should sit back and see how things turn out, or if i should leap into action and start making changes. i think that latter, but i appear to lack the motivation...the inspiration...

...and that sad/bad/pathetic thing is that all i really want to do is have shaun come pick me up and curl up in his bed with him and fall asleep listening to radiohead. but, i fear that this will never happen again. there's a theory that i've heard from ryan that is likely true...that he's grown bored with things and just can't end things and will just do everything passive in his ability to make me leave. this is likely true, but then i wonder...this is a guy who has the same leaving issues as me. maybe if i don't leave and put up with things a bit, he will realize that i'm not going to leave that easily and things will be more like a "normal" relationship. i just don't know.

well, on another topic, later today my father finds out the results of his biopsy...cancer or no. and my sister goes to court about her dui. and i have work. work work and more work. i don't mind working 5 day work weeks, but much longer than that just seems to drag on. at least i have 2 days off coming up. friday and saturday. so, really i have thrusday night off, friday day off, friday night off, and saturday day off. shall i venture out into the world and find something to do on those days? i think i will. during the course of this entry, i've decided that i need to make changes. in taoism, they teach you to follow the way. well, i am going to follow it...i think i just need to find it first, and i'm not going to find anything sitting here doing nothing, feeling lonely, and slightly sorry for myself. that all ends now.

anyways, this is a long entry already. until next time...

"i know i've got a bad reputation, and it isn't just talk, talk, talk...if i could only give you everything, you know i haven't got. i couldn't have one conversation if it wasn't for the lies, lies, lies...and still i wanna tell you everything 'till i close my eyes. suddenly i'm on the street, seven years disappear below my feet, been breaking down. do you want me now, do you want me now? suddenly i'm down on herald square, looking in the crowd your face is everywhere...been turning round. do you want me now, do you want me now? don't try to be an inspiration, just wasting your time, time, time. you know about the best i'll ever be, see it in your eyes....don't you think i've heard the talk? nobody's gonna tell me who to love, been breaking down. do you want me now, do you want me now?..."

-freedy johnston



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