15-06-2002 - 03:13
i don't even know what to say. i had tons of plans/offers for things to do tonight, but i ended up not doing anything fun. i had to stay home and clean so that things would be plesant for my father when he gets out of the hospital later today. i wonder, when did my life end? i remember not to long ago in college (yes, when i did not live with my parents) when things were fun. stuff to do all the time, and plenty of time to do it. friends hanging out all the time and sleeping over, drinking red wine while sitting in the mirror "club house" in my room...or on the roof. parties to choose from every day of the week. now i sit at home alot. i've lost my energy to do things...fun things for myself. i've lost the will to tell my family "no...i can't do so and so, i am going out." instead, i stay at home where i have a miserable time.
anyways, now my room is clean enough to "live" in. i really only have to leave it to use the computer, get food, and visit the bathroom. welcome back to your magical land of safety jim. a place where i can lock my door and leave the outside drowned out in the background of my music. now if only my parents don't take my door off like they used to when i lived here before college.
well, my sister's wedding is put off. no decided plans of when it will be, if it will be. oh well, i guess i've got a dress that doesn't fit out of all of it. maybe i'll get it taken in and then wear it out somewhere nice. not that i'd know of anywhere to go in it, or anyone to go with in it, but it's a thought.
well, i ought to get back to cleaning...i had to stop when the floor cleaner for the bathroom started burning my hands. (yeah...sensative skin or what not...possibly spelled wrong).
"oh mirror in the sky, what is love? can the child within my heart rise above? can i sail through the changing ocean tides? can i handle the seasons of my life? well, i've been afraid of changing, 'cause i've built my life around you. time makes you bolder, even children get older...and i'm getting older too. i'm getting older too..." -smashing pumpkins remake of a song everyone likely knows.
(jack, if you read this, i was actually going to use the song before i read your last entry...hope you don't mind.)